from: Marvin <chungusPrincipalLol@pinnipeds.net>
to: Alice Doe <email@example.com>, John Warosa <firstname.lastname@example.org>, ...
"UoAHOAAAAAAAAAH", or whatever the fuck is the noise a Pinniped makes.
Yes, I am unhappy with the school's new branding as well, but the board told us that our unique school name should give us better search-engine optimization or something like that, I'm not really sure--It was hard to hear what they were saying over the phone with all of the guffawing in the background, which I'm sure was completely unrelated.
Anyways, this year has been tough for all of us, with conflicting messaging from our school district, the governor, & maybe even 1% from me--But fret not, peasants, for I have a pittance.
Yes, that's right--A survey!
Now, I must issue a warning. Previously, an anonymous survey taker, who has since been deanonymized for the better interests of everyone here, had the gall to describe our Professional Development presentations as "prison detail" & dead space in their schedules.
This is unacceptable. The traitor has since been locked in the bathroom at Building D where the janitor haunting it will judge whether or not to clean their soul.
As you all know, the district has been unable to procure enough vaccines to cover all of our staff. To solve this tricky predicament, we've decided to have trial by combat to determine vaccine priority.
Additionally, we will no longer be allowing teachers to use the staff room to cry or scream after last week's mass hysteria over the granola bar machine breaking, which is still going to be coming out of your paychecks, mind you.
Speaking of paychecks, if you don't think it's possible to socially distance 49% of our students into our rat maze hallways & portable classrooms, don't be surprised if your pay is docked for the aforementioned granola bar machine.
All supposed sightings of myself & the superintendents trying to steal the granola bar machine & dropping it in the parking lot are completely unsubstantiated. We looked through the security footage ourselves & discovered no evidence of any wrongdoing on our part.
Also, this is yet another reminder that when your paychecks are eventually unfrozen, you will not receive any pay increases you were owed in the last 25 years because neither you or your union can do shit about it.
Superintendents fret not, you will still get a raise.
Oh, and I almost forgot, our district finally got those emergency federal funds, so "oUr pAy iS lItErAlLy pOverTy leVel" my ass! These funds are going to be put to good use sitting in our superintendents pockets for a rainy day. You're welcome.
As thanks from you to us, we'll be giving you more responsibilities, which I remind you were covered in the contract under, "...and other duties as assigned..." on page 15 of that mold-covered packet rotting away somewhere in your garage.
I know it seems unfair that your pay is frozen, that these funds aren't being used, & that noone respects you (as per this student email I decided to forward to all of you last week rather than report to the police), but keep in mind that in a decade, you might see one of your old students come back & tell you that you had a profound effect on their life, completely disregarding the fact that they were totally self-sufficient & didn't need you, or that literally anyone else would've been an equal substitute for your yee-yee ass.
Keep your heads up and chins down. Every decade of servitude is 15 minutes of contract time for your retirement party, which, as agreed upon in your contract, will take place in the cafeteria in-between periods 1 & 2 on a rainy Thursday or gloomy Friday.
...for reading the fifth installment of the Super Fantastical series, a totally serious series of plays, stories, etc.