Debunking Some Satire To Destroy The World

There is quite a lot of information readily available on the internet about dominating the earth. (Which is a lie because it’s all just Sam Hughes being quoted in various articles.)

I released a satirical post on destroying cities not too long ago which turned out to be too serious-sounding and was a massive failure, but also actually a success because people liked it.

The ideas I went through were jokes, such as setting off an unreasonable amount of explosives near a bunch of magma to create an artificial lahar in an area well-accustomed to lahars. Not only would there be national coverage of the massive explosion in the middle of nowhere that caused nothing, but even if a lahar started (if we were skilled geologists and explosives experts), the designated area also had an early warning system and also existed within the realms of reality, laws, order, etc., which are those things that stop Tom and Jerry stuff from being reenacted in real life. .

I also suggested sprinkling radioactive dust around to kill a bunch of people, but my method was not only a logistics problem of discreetly surprise attacking tons of people at once but also the problem of obtaining buttloads of radioactive material. I also seriously doubt that many people would inhale a flour cloud if it fell on them.

If you’re a government hell-bent on holding half a hemisphere hostage then you don’t need the dodgy Acme-verified solutions, you just need to make the damn cobalt bomb and start making threats. The flour bomb was originally supposed to be a mini-cobalt bomb but had to be cut down to fit the expenses and salary of a middle-class worker.

And, to seal up the article in the stupidest this-is-a-giveaway-that-this-is-satire way possible, I suggested basically making a big cylinder in the floor and using it as a musket to fire junk into space to trap humanity. Unfortunately, the Earth is rather big so that doesn’t actually work. Just keep buying your palm oil products and we’ll get there eventually, except the litter will be on the ground level.

However, some people were convinced I had scammed them of their world domination rights, and rightfully so! I had committed the highest form of treason: Making a misleading/confusing header.

So I’m back, and after going out of my way to tell you that yes, that previous post on destroying the world was a joke, I will redeem myself and tell you a legitimate method of dominating the world.

How To (Really) Dominate the World

World Domination: Destroy or own a good portion of the earth. There are no specifics and anything goes, let’s get started.

We’ll be assuming a couple of things here.

Assumption 1: I want to not die in the process.
Assumption 2: I want to not be arrested.
Assumption 3: I want to become the most powerful existence on the planet.

The best way to own the world is to have it in the palm of your hand, therefore I really only need a couple of things.

  1. A survival backpack filled with food, water, tools, game consoles, tons of sunscreen, solar panels, etc.
  2. Experience breathing in places with thin air.
  3. A Katamari.

As a Katamari grows, a side effect is that its user will grow to match the size of the ball, meaning that as long as I bring plenty of rations, I don’t need that much stuff as long as I increase the size of the Katamari fast enough.

In the early stages, the Katamari will be fairly easy to build in secret.

After I reach a substantial size I will need to prepare for larger attacks from humanity, so I will need to strategically aim for large areas filled to the brim with stuff to increase my size before fighter jets, tanks, and missiles can stop me.

This will be important, as I will become bigger and bigger, reducing my mobility (think of how a fly sees us as super slow.) My best starting point would obviously be a junkyard near a big city so that I can start adding skyscrapers to my Katamari ASAP.

After a couple of skyscrapers, I will be big enough to be basically invincible. So the current plan is as such:

  1. Build the Katamari secretly in a junkyard near a neighborhood or something.
  2. Roll up the junkyard and the small buildings and then attack a city and become invincible from humanity.
  3. Set up my living quarters, settle down, and start making demands.

After this, I can stop growth and start making my demands to world leaders. At this point, life will be pretty boring and I will just stand there with my Katamari and watch humanity whizz by me like a Civ game on steroids until I eventually get nuked a couple of times and die or get bored and roll up the rest of the world and start anew.

Either way, once you’re the supreme lord that’s about it. If you want to play the pacifist you can bask in the sun’s radiation until you get skin cancer and die. Or you can choke and die. Or you can gain so much mass the planet and moon collapse on you and turn you into a planet.

Current Problems: World domination seems kind of boring and noone has a magical Katamari they want to lend me.

Smashing Every Single Enchoseon Post Together

Excluded Posts:

Special Formatting:

All text is lowercase, no special characters.

All numbers removed.


All formatting was manually made to help with readability. All line breaks, commas, periods, quotes, hyphens, capitalization, etc. were added by me to make this look like a post and not like the large block of unreadable text that this was birthed from.

The titles were created by me (duh).

Lines that are italic are things that I recognize as perfect overfitting from a post. This isn’t 100% accurate because it’s just from my memory. Only entire lines are labeled for overfitting, and keep in mind that I decide where the lines are split because the original output had no punctuation whatsoever.

I was cutting out the middle of sentences for the first 8 sections listed below before I realized that it ruins the legitimacy of the text, so I switched to chopping off only the front and end parts of a text after that.

Magic Substance

A magic substance obtained via blood sweat and tears: Money.

Public schools that have the chance to come this post was ginormous. No, not the people running successful blogs. See no problem with only a buck and seventy-five cents.

It’s Always Beautiful

It’s always beautiful and it’s really just flaming at that moment. I just knew that if I had been looking out, the bike out of the local residents of the death rates for the rails so that I tried to make their own decision.

Do Not Trust Jeff Zentner

Teach them about how they’ll fucking die and/or hurt everyone if they pool their money together under the direction of Jeff.

Future Sex

When I logged on I found that I had lost the bet with a following in the future having sex.

Godlike Level III Multiverse-Exploitation

Give more freedom to the talk and to enjoy the food. You can find yourself anywhere, although most people who can’t pay for their godlike level III multiverse-exploiting capabilities. To clarify, Everett’s theory was not meant to be ranted about in my room.

Extremely Popular Diseases

Not everybody is willing to donate money to a bunch of support for the diseases that are destined to be extremely popular that spread like wildfire through the hallway during lunch hours.

Bad Advice

Get safe sexual pleasure? Useless knowledge.

Complete Logical Sense

If two’s a company and three’s a crowd, then eight people in danger of lahars.


Perfectly normal introverts suddenly become adventurous by wearing lipstick that looks like a pixel silhouette of a traditional cobalt bomb.

Microsoft Rewards

The Microsoft rewards program is a way to LAX, barreling down the negative rail the force of gravity while my legs pedaled worthlessly.

My Brother’s Classmates

This means that my brother’s classmates I was harassing a guy who opens up so many organisms.

Enjoy the Food

Firstly, you need to enjoy the food. You can use f = ilb.

What My Peers Would Call a “Mood”

The natural tendency to attract people and to let my dreams die in the past months.

Jeff Zentner Once Again

For the rest of my heart that is Jeff Zentner overflows the banks of Google.

The Machine Insults Me By Speaking About Me In First-Person Wait That Doesn’t Make Sense

The genetic code passed down can react and cause long-term inherited problems that just piled on top of me.

Jeff Zentner Once More

And I always never prepare for summer and there is a nuclear weapon packed with cobalt which is what were really waiting for the Serpent King summary Jeff Zentner.


I am proposing two different ideas to be the Puyallup River, which was confusing because I was not aware that I think Tegmark is also an excuse to create and direct more neutrophils which will be about six more items other than being famous for doing nothing.

Blogging is an Infinite Game

Recently I’ve been having doubts about things and the usual such, common events that happen during the holidays. But it was only recently that I’ve been able to grasp how ungraspable things are.

So let’s go backward and grab a couple definitions straight out of Simon Sinek’s mouth:

Finite Games:
-Known players
-Fixed rules
-Agreed objective
-Winners and Losers

Infinite Games:
-Known and unknown players
-Changeable rules
-Goal is to extend game
-No Winners or Losers

Chess has tangible rules that do not change as you play. Chess games end once they end. And chess will have a winner and loser (usually, but let’s not get caught up in the nitty gritty).

Blogging has no tangible rules, and the ones that we do know always change. Backlink spamming used to be great for Google, but now it will only get you kicked off the face of the internet. The amount of people you compete with is humongous and impossible, and declaring yourself a ‘winner’ is stupid.

If you declare yourself to be the biggest and bestest blog, you are really just the biggest and bestest blog in the sample of blogs that you chose. Declaring yourself to be the ‘best’ at anything in an infinite game is stupid in general because there will always be ups and downs in an infinite game. You will never the best forever, either.

To simplify:

Infinite Games: Kaizen

Finite Games: Fucking win

Finite games fit inside infinite games, they are inevitable. 1

Winning finite games can help the infinite game. Fighting for gay rights, civil rights, etc. all help the infinite game for equality and happiness and all of the other intangible stuff we value.

Capitalism provides for a great infinite game. Businesses that are alive today will eventually go away or change or whatever, but businesses will always exist. If Google disappeared, shit would definitely go down in the beginning, but other companies would still exist. 2 Capitalism allows for many businesses to be the providers of something so that if one business drops out of the infinite game, another can provide for it.

However, Simon Sinek raised an important issue, which is when a finite player competes with an infinite one.

War in Vietnam:
-Vietnam: Fight to survive (infinite game)
-US: Fight to win (finite game)

Wars are not finite, and finite goals can have accidental infinite results. New players will emerge, and new policies will reshape and create rules.

Declaring an end to an infinite game will result in immense disconnection from the infinite game. The disconnected player will become uncertain, chaotic, and unable to decide on a goal.

When you are in an infinite contest, using your interests is a horrible plan.

When you are in an infinite contest, building for the infinite future is wonderful.

So let’s boil it down to our own private lives.

As humans, goals need to be something we can see. “Fastest growing”, “even more”, and “most respected” are not tangible, visible goals. They do not motivate us. “Excercise each morning”, “become 20 lbs lighter”, and “do my homework” are realistic goals that we can see.

The goals and actions of finite and infinite players are different, and it results in the opening of many Pandora’s boxes from other Pandora’s boxes inside and from and with other Pandora’s boxes.

Evil Not-so-Genius Ideas

Destroying humanity is a dream scenario for evil geniuses, but the world is pretty destructive already and a single individual or group of dedicated people would have to work extremely hard.

Unstoppability: How hard it is for external forces to stop the destruction. Speed and other factors (like the need to have a big machine constantly running) are evaluated. Extra style points if the method can be used to hold the world hostage.

Cities are great targets for mass destruction because they have lots of people, property, and are a mess to clean up. Highways, buildings, and the lives of people can total up to cost billions of dollars in repair. However, our noobish planning will probably only do a couple of million dollars of damage, tops.

Plan A: Artificial Lahars With Mount Rainier

Mount Rainier National Park

Mount Rainier is in Washington and is one of the highest-risk volcanoes we have. It spans 368.15 square miles and the peak is at 14,410 ft.

Even if there is not an eruption, there is a risk for lahars3, which are violent streams of volcanic mudflow and debris. Picture wet concrete cascading down a valley towards a city and you’re basically there.

Mount Rainier is one of the highest risk volcanoes in the world, and the USGS (United States Geological Survey) made this great graphic that was probably not intended for evil scheming.

Mount Rainier, Washington simplified hazards map showing potential impact area for ground-based hazards during a volcanic event.

Then, looking at Google Earth, we can see that the nearest cities are Tacoma and Lakewood.

The method of transport will be the Puyallup River, which was also formed by lahars some 5,600 years ago. The valley has about 150,000 people in danger of lahars already.

The problem is that most of the lahars from Mount Rainier are not actually caused by eruptions but by water and ice interacting with magma, causing rapid movement of water, which swells into a lahar.

In order to create a lahar, we need to attack this area:

Mining away tons of rock and dirt isn’t really that cool or evil so explosive charges set along both parts of the fork could release enough lava. An ANFO weighing 2,000 pounds could be made for about $1,500 (estimated from the Lowe’s catalog).

Since my free speech is being detained by law, I cannot go into depth on bombs, but there are plenty of guides on creating and detonating explosives. Though, the most destructive of all is the DCAM explosive.

Plan B: Tiny Cobalt Bombs

“We have the feeling that when this time comes to science, God with His white beard will come down to earth swinging a bunch of keys, and will say to humanity, the way they say at 5 o’clock at the saloon: ‘Closing time, gentlemen!'” – The Journal of the Goncourt Brothers; April 7, 1869.

Cobalt-60 is a particularly nasty element synthesized by humans. It emits gamma rays and is the byproduct of nuclear reactors. It also has a half-life of 5.27 years, making it an extremely hard substance to get rid of.

A ‘traditional’ cobalt bomb is a nuclear weapon packed with cobalt-59 (which is a single neutron away from its deadly cousin). Once the nuclear weapon explodes, the neutrons from the nuclear reaction turn the cobalt-59 into cobalt-60, spewing out a cloud of radioactive death into the atmosphere.

Unfortunately, cobalt doesn’t really explode and we don’t have access to nukes so we need the cobalt-60 to be in the bomb before exploding it. In addition, spreading out explosives in a dense, urban city is extremely hard to do.

At this point, we hit the largest bump. A massive bomb is unfeasible and planting explosives aren’t easy, either. Assuming a very cheap price, each bomb costs $100 for solid cobalt-60 and another $200 for the actual bomb.

Deployment would be possible with cars, suitcases, etc.; all of the usual terrorist stuff.

If the radiation in the city gets to 8 sV, a person walking outside could get cancer or permanent damage to their lungs in less than an hour.

After talking with some smart college students, a cheaper plan was created:

Image result for bag of flour

Flour bombs.

If the Cobalt-60 can be safely ground into fine dust and mixed into ziplock bags filled with a powdery substance like flour (of course, flour isn’t exactly the best powdery substance because it turns to mush in water), it can be dropped off buildings onto busy streets. Drones carrying the packages could be parked on various buildings to simultaneously drop all of the bombs after all of the bombs are planted.

Plan C: Space Littering

Space litter is a large problem. Space litter is composed of defunct satellites, rocket pieces, and the other random human junk we throw up there.

Scientists are scared that space junk will halt space exploration efforts by coating Earth in an impenetrable shield of junk orbiting faster than a bullet.

Robots have been proposed to collect space junk, but if we hit the point of no return before then it’ll be impossible to send anything out of Earth for possibly the next century.

Things That Will Cease To Exist If We Are Trapped By Junk:

  • Anything reliant on satellites, like GPS, Earth monitoring devices, etc.

In order to trap humanity on Earth and stagnate all space endeavors, we need to shoot stuff out of Earth at about 10 km/s.

But that isn’t the whole story, we also need to deal with air resistance, turbulent winds, and to avoid detection by authorities.

But first, we need a launcher.

Railguns Won’t Work

Railguns are electromagnetic weapons that accelerate shit at immense speeds.

A railgun is made of three parts:

  • The power supply
  • The two rails
  • The armature

A railgun is basically a large circuit. Electricity from the power supply runs up the positive rail and travels back down the negative rail, creating a magnetic field where the electricity is.

The magnetic force travels around the rails in a counterclockwise circle around the positive rail and a clockwise circle around the negative rail.

The force exerted on the projectile is called Lorentz force, which can be given by F = qE + qv × B2.

The armature is the thing that connects the circuit by bridging the two rails. The armature can be a conductive coating on the projectile or plasma.

In order to calculate the force for a railgun, you can use F = (i)(l)(b)3.

A railgun also must be able to support the massive amount of electricity required without melting the rails, having the rails split apart from the electromagnetic force. Most railguns can only fire once or twice before breaking down. The armature must also be capable of moving extremely fast without breaking under the force.

The Expensive Shopping List:

  • A bunch of capacitors that won’t explode
  • A pair of large superconductor rails
  • A bunch of support for the rails so that they don’t fly off.
  • A metal armature
  • A way to draw megajoules of electricity from the power grid
  • Some trash to shoot into LEO

After constructing your super-expensive railgun with a group of talented scientists and engineers, you’ll need to fire the junk so that it ends up flying parallel to Earth’s surface instead of crashing back down. This means that there’ll also be a massive projectile traveling across the horizon if the railgun doesn’t melt, explode, or break in some way or other.

Not only do you need megajoules of energy, but you’ll also need to outdo the Naval Surface Warfare Center by at least threefold.

Thus, a railgun is not the best way to go. (And no, coilguns aren’t even on the table anymore).

A Low-Tech Solution

Since railguns are dicks, we’ll need to find a better way to reach LEO.

Luckily, we have this awesome new revised plan:

All we need to do is construct a gigantic pipe in the ground, fill it with gas, pack it with tons of junk, and light it up, creating a large crater and sending tons of shit into space in a firey ball.

Depending on the lack of skill, a gigantic spray gun may accidentally arise instead, splattering molten metal shrapnel over a large area rather than making a bunch of trash reach LEO.

Dear Noobs: If you didn’t realize, this post was satirical


How Vaccinations Work, and Why You Should Be Vaccinated

This post was in the works for over a year. And by that, I mean that it was a skeleton draft that I forgot about in my Google Docs for over a year.

However, recent news about that 18-year-old guy who vaccinated himself has re-sparked genuine public interest in vaccines and unvaccinated children, which I personally thought was just a random minority and not an actual thing.

Vaccines in Brief

There are 5 main types of vaccines being used in the US:

  • Live vaccines contain weakened viruses/bacteria. They are given to people with healthy immune systems.
  • Inactivated vaccines have killed viruses/bacteria. Multiple doses required to build/maintain immunity.
  • Toxoid vaccines are made of weakened toxins created by bacteria.
  • Subunit vaccines have parts of the virus/bacteria rather than the entire thing. Side effects are also less likely.
  • Conjugate vaccines combat bacteria with coatings that hide them from the immune system (especially in young immune systems). The vaccine connects to the coating and creates an immune response.

There is some controversy around whether live or inactivated vaccines are better. On one end, live vaccines build the immune system naturally, but natural infections can be deadly.

The side-effects of vaccines are usually mild. The false belief that vaccines cause autism is the result of bad media coverage and idiot celebrities (or the president) preaching about it.

Some Example Vaccines:

DPT/DTaP Vaccine: Protects from diphtheria, pertussis (whooping cough), and tetanus. Contains toxoids for tetanus and subunits of pertussis.

Polio Vaccine: Protects from polio (duh). Can be administered through injection (inactivated virus) or orally (weakened virus). Injection is also extremely safe.

Combined DTaP-IPV-HepB Vaccine: Combination of vaccines usually for children lagging behind. The three vaccines are DTP, polio (injection), and HepB (for hepatitis B).4

The Immune System in Not-so-Brief

 Our bodies don’t like dying.

It’s generally a bad thing to die.

To begin, let’s quickly cover our body’s defense systems.

Innate Defense System

  • Skin and mucous membranes
  • Phagocytes (a type of white blood cell)
  • Antimicrobial proteins
  • Attack cells

Your skin and the mucous membranes around your organs provide the first line of defense for your body.

Your sweat has chemicals that destroy bacteria. Your slightly acidic skin destroys bacteria. Enzymes in your saliva, mucus, and eyes destroy bacteria. Your body really likes to destroy bacteria.

Phagocytes get called into battle to gobble up invaders, but they require energy to maintain.


Neutrophils are the most common phagocytes. They can move around really fast and engulf germs before self-destructing. They can also secrete toxins. Neutrophils track down germs by tracking their chemical ‘scent’, which means they only attack stuff that doesn’t smell right. Neutrophils also self-destruct.

Macrophages are another type of phagocyte. They also eat germs, but they can eat multiple times, spitting out the digested gunk and then eating some more.

Natural Killer Cells

NK cells drift around in your blood looking for invaders. When they find one, they will essentially stab the shit out of it and pour in its toxins that make the cell self-destruct. They can also kill your own body cells if they’re infected. NK cells detect bad cells by checking if they create MHC (Major Histocompatibility Complex), which is a set of proteins that healthy, non-infected cells have on their surface.

Body Responses

  • Fever: Raises body temperature in an attempt to kill bacteria
  • Inflammatory Response: Cranks up the heat around cuts to help with healing and make capillaries release proteins to clog the cut.
  • Leukocytosis: To create and direct more neutrophils (which will be dying a ton in the heat of their self-destructive battle), your body will send out monocytes and neutrophils from your bone marrow to squeeze through the capillaries and get to the battlefield.

Adaptive Defense System

If your innate defense system fails, your body will need to kick it into high gear, calling in your adaptive defense system.

Your adaptive defense system is much more specific than your innate defense system. It systematically targets invaders and memorizes them.

Battle Plan
  1. B cells detect stuff. The more stuff a B cell learns to recognize, the more information gets passed onto future B cells, making detection of the same thing easier. This ‘thing’ could be your body’s cells or an antigen (which can be any invader, such as a fungus, toxin, bacteria, or virus).
  2. Once your B cells get riled up, they’ll try to eliminate your invader. Each B cell has thousands of binding receptors. Each receptor binds to a single antigen, meaning that it takes a lot of B cells to find one that matches a specific antigen
  3. Once the correct B cell finds the correct antigen, the B cell will absorb it and begin rapidly reproducing. You’ll end up with a bunch of B cells with the exact same antibody to combat the specific antigen.
  4. At this point, the B cells will begin marking the antigens (these attacking B cells are called plasma cells). Some other B cells become memory B cells, which will help recognize the antigen in the future.
  5. Antibodies don’t directly attack the antigens.2

All of the inflaming and fever and weakness from the expenditure of energy for your immune system will make you feel sick and tired.

If you are re-exposed to the same antigen in the future, the memory B cells will still be around, detecting them faster and fighting back without you even noticing.

Dangers of Unvaccinated Children

I say ‘children’ because dead people don’t grow old.

Vaccinations depend on other people being immune. Unvaccinated children are extra-dangerous because they break the herd immunity. They also put others at risk as well.

Children’s immune systems are only recently developed. Most of the defenses they learned was while they were in the womb or through drinking breast milk. Immunity to more severe or rapidly changing diseases like influenza or chicken pox is naturally learned by sucking toes and being smothered in drool.

High rates of coverage are important. It takes only one child to become a big disease-spreading machine to cause an outbreak.

Outbreaks are classified as the sudden increase of disease in a time and place. Outbreaks can affect thousands or few, but the point is that unvaccinated children harboring disease stop the whole point of being immunized in the first place.


The flu comes and goes predictably each year. The flu vaccine is usually a combined vaccine to provide immunity for the diseases that are predicted to strike during flu season.

But the flu is just the gateway disease that opens the door for ear infections, sinus infections, and pneumonia from all of the fluid buildup.

The death rates for the flu change each year. The ambiguity of the death rates occurs mostly from states not being required to report this information to people like the CDC. However, states are required to provide reports on the deaths of children, which is why we have an abundance of info on children and influenza but not the people reading this post.

In Short:

I use the term “In Short:’ a lot.

Also, unvaccinated people are at serious risk for disease and pose a serious risk for people around them.

Currently, 17 states in the US allow vaccine exemptions. There was a recent measles outbreak due to unvaccinated people in Washington, which is extremely concerning.

There was also a 30% increase in measles due to a lack of vaccine coverage last year.

We need to remove personal belief exemptions so that we can protect those who have medical exemptions.

If that was too complicated for the anti-vaxxers, let me simplify:


How to Make an Infinite Improbability Drive

The Infinite Improbability Drive is a fictional machine from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that puts its users through highly improbable events.

The driving force behind our theoretical Infinite Improbability Drive is Quantum Suicide.

Quantum Suicide is basically Schrodinger’s Cat, but with you as the cat.

The Many Worlds of Hugh Everett III

Everett’s theory is as such:

Everything follows the Schrodinger equation. Always.

This means that when we open up the box to observe Schrodinger’s Cat, we aren’t collapsing the waveform due to our observation. This makes our universe essentially deterministic, which also pisses off some people3.

The reason “big” objects aren’t in superposition isn’t that we aren’t looking at them. Rather, it’s because they are already being observed by the things around them.

This is because wave collapse isn’t based on whether something observing is “conscious” or not. It’s based on particles bouncing around and hitting other particles. Naturally, an object large enough to be seen is already interacting with light, air, etc.

This is why engineers go to great lengths to isolate quantum computers in super-cold vacuums. Although, quantum computers deserve their own post for their god-like Level III Multiverse-exploiting capabilities, so look forward to that.

So, to clarify, Everett’s theory was not meant to be a radical theory talking parallel worlds. All of that is just an interpretation of his theory, and unfortunately, that interpretation has been giving his theory a bad rep.

People don’t really look at the source material unless they’re smart professors or a weird Swedish guy, so it’s understandable why nobody took Everett seriously.

The constant splitting of universes means that there is essentially any and every parallel reality you could imagine due to the infinite monkey theorem.

Take this one step further, and if our consciousness only exists when/where we are alive, then we’d theoretically live forever and never die. Here’s where the real weirdness begins.

Max Tegmark’s Quantum Suicide Experiment

The following thought experiment tests whether or not Everett’s theory is correct, but you are literally betting your own life to figure it out.

All you need is a machine gun, a trigger mechanism, and a machine to measure a quark for whether it is up or down, which corresponds to the machine outputting a 1 or 0 with 50/50 chance of either output.

The output is then hooked up to a trigger that controls the machine-gun.

If the machine outputs a one, the gun will fire. If it outputs a zero you will hear a very loud click, but nothing will happen.

The trigger mechanism doesn’t really matter as long as the gap of time between the measurement and the firing of the gun is below human perception.

Key Criteria:

  • The measuring machine must be quantum. Possible methods include firing protons at a silver screen to see which ones pass or the use of a Stern-Gerlach machine.
  • Death must be faster than you can perceive (more on this later). The killing mechanism must be flawless and kill with 100% certainty.

Your creation complete, you aim the machine at a wall and let it run. Surely enough, it fires at random intervals. Bang-click-click-bang-click-bang…

The next part of the experiment is the part that requires you to be very dedicated.

You stick your head in front of the gun.

If Everett is wrong then it’ll take a few seconds for you to end up on the floor in a pile of blood.

However, if Everett is right then you’ll hear the random firing patterns of the machine gun suddenly change to click-click-click-click-click…

Our Perception of Quantum Suicide

The realities where we die are unperceivable because we’re dead before we know it. Thus, the only copy of us that we can perceive is the reality where we live. We never see all of the other dead versions of ourselves. This means there’s a 100% chance of us experiencing ‘survival.’

Sit in front of the gun for a whole minute and your chances of surviving decreases exponentially at 50% each second. We end up splicing reality into at least 120 new branches, half of which are ones where we survive for a little while, but the possibility to achieve the only one where you live after the whole minute is 1 out of 2^60.

If you wanted to convince all your friends to believe you, hooking up the quantum trigger to a massive bomb or a chain of machine-guns would be possible, but you probably wouldn’t be friends afterward.

The only way to convince everyone that quantum suicide works (if it works) is to hook up the quantum trigger to a solar system-destroying machine with a 100% chance of eradicating the entire human species.

There are also theories that the Large Hadron Collider works as a collective quantum suicide experiment where the killing mechanism is the creation of a man-made black hole, which would be capable of the aforementioned solar system-destruction required for our dream quantum suicide experiment.

The only problem is the fact that the LHC won’t make a black hole. I mean, it might make mini black holes, but those aren’t a big deal because they decay really, really fast and mini black holes would be pretty normal due to the fact that Earth is constantly bombarded with cosmic rays more powerful than anything in the LHC2.

Why Isn’t Anyone Else Immortal?

Well, they theoretically are. 3

To us, that doesn’t seem to be true, but we’re the external observers.

If somebody else did the Quantum Machine-Gun experiment they would only experience the reality where they survive. However, we would most likely be in a reality where that person dies.

This raises a question about whether our consciousness is untouchable by quantum mechanics. It also raises more questions about your self-worth, as if we needed more of that.

Breaking Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle

Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle says that when we observe quantum particles we change them, and we can’t tell what happens to them or what state they were in, to begin with.

A good analogy is throwing a yoga ball at things on a table to figure out the positions of the objects on it by observing the ball’s bounce, trajectory, return time, etc.

Yoga ball

However, the yoga ball will inevitably knock over a few things before bouncing back. After we observe what’s on the table it will have changed, and we don’t know what it was like before we observed, either.

Everett says that this isn’t true. Instead, the world running on the Schrodinger equation just ‘splits’4 for every possibility rather than changing every time something is observed, which effectively puts everything we thought about quantum mechanics and freedom on its head, but it heavily reduces the size of your physics textbook because all that stuff about waveform and probability is thrown out the window, too.

Coherent superposition? Bah, decohesion is more exciting.

Everett decided that instead of all of our observations causing wave collapse there was a universal wave function that has the possibility for all imaginable and unimaginable universes.

Our perception of randomness would just be our inability to experience the other universes where the alternate futures happened. Once superposition breaks, the universes have taken different paths.5

Don’t Actually Do This

While this is certainly a fun topic, the non-lethal way to do this (but without all of the dramatic stuff) is to live. If after many, many extremely improbable events you become the only human on Earth, then the riddle is solved.

However, if you die, then Everett is wrong.

Mir Faizal: “Normally, when people think of the multiverse, they think of the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, where every possibility is actualised. This cannot be tested and so it is philosophy and not science.”

Infinite Improbability


If your quantum suicide setup was done correctly with a 100% flawless killing mechanism, then there’ll be a limit on how long the experiment can run before a highly improbable event interferes with the experiment, such as:

  • Power outage.
  • Biological warfare wipes out half the planet, or maybe everybody except you.
  • Supermassive volcanic eruption blows everything up.
  • Alien invasion with giant toaster robots.
  • “Tiny” solar flare hits Earth
  • Ninety atomic bombs detonate worldwide and force humanity to live in underground vaults filled with creatures from Fallout 4 (you’ll become the leader of the mole people).
  • Earth-sized asteroid impacts Earth and you survive somehow.
  • Moon-sized asteroid impacts the Moon and the fragments impact Earth and you survive somehow.
  • Mars-sized asteroid impacts Mars and the fragments impact the Moon and the fragments impact the Earth and you survive somehow.
  • Distant alien Kerr black hole power plant blows up, sending a powerful laser beam that wipes out Earth in three seconds and you survive somehow.
  • Deterministic random-number generators fail worldwide and stock market systems crash, resulting in a The Purge-esque massacre ran by angry investors switching gears to run an international cheap hitman-for-hire business to regain lost capital.
  • The people running our computer simulation do a reboot to stop your experiment and they laugh at the idea that some NPCs tried to unravel glitches in the code.
  • A cosmic string slaps Earth and you survive somehow.

As of now we still don’t know how to theoretically control this theoretical Infinite Improbability Drive because our machine would probably be destroyed in a string of highly improbable events every time we tried to use it.

Ars Magna

Simple IID: Quantum Measurement > Signal Interpreter > Trigger + Killing Mechanism

If we could control our Infinite Improbability Drive to only kill us if quantum weirdness led to a desired event we would be able to control reality.

The problem is we’d need a way to calculating and sensing whether or not we “landed” in our desired reality before we could perceive anything at all.

An obvious fix for this is to be unconscious before the experiment starts, which is what I hinted at in one of my badly placed footnotes somewhere at the top of this post.

Complex IID (Ars Magna): Quantum Measurement > Signal Interpreter + Quantum Computer that calculates the future > Trigger + Killing Mechanism

A complex Infinite Improbability Drive would be able to do all of that universe-bending magic. But for now, I’ll settle for my boring mundane life and play the waiting game.

Here is an extremely arbitrary Ars Magna:

1 – Go to sleep

2 – The machine senses if a highly unlikely movement of quarks led to a bank error where your balance went up by 500,000 dollars.

3 – If you don’t get the money you’ll be killed. If you get the money you won’t be killed.


Extra Reading:


Me: Huh? Wait, I think someone’s at my door…


Me: Yes? Who is it?


Me: *Looks out window* Oh shit, it’s the solipsists! Wait, is that an police car in the back?

Marshall Theo: Hello, I’m Marshall Theo Retical. I’m here to inform you that you landed on the suicide watchlist lol.

Me: God damnit, should I include a disclaimer to protect myself?

Marshall Theo: Um sure.

Disclaimer: Do not build a machine that kills/maims/harms/obliterates you, a group of people, or the solar system; even if it’s just for shits and giggles.

The Serpent King Summary (and Bonus Interview with Jeff Zentner)

The Serpent King is a book written by Jeff Zentner. But nobody cares about that so let’s just get into this post.

Why I Read The Serpent King

My ELA teacher apparently likes His Majesty because he’s a “total package.” (A classmate’s words, not mine.)

Fun Fact: He has eleven tattoos.

Assigned to me as a summer assignment and read out of obligation, The Serpent King was an unlikely contender for all of the things in my head that make it to this blog. However, I ended up liking it too much so now we’re both here in this awkward one-sided conversation.

In order to help summarize the story for everyone who has already read a good summary (or the book itself), I’ll just use some MSPaint pictures to quickly go over some key plot points.


The story begins with Dillard Early Junior, son of Dillard Early Senior who is the son of yet another Dillard Early. It’s pretty confusing but just roll with it.

Anyways, Dill Senior is a pedo priest who is incarcerated because he had some child porn on his laptop. Dill Junior didn’t take the hit for him in court so Dill Senior was rightfully imprisoned.

Unfortunately, D.J. (Dillard Junior) is outcast at school and hates his abusive mother, is envious of his friend Lydia’s life, and is haunted by his family name. As you can tell, his life is filled with sunshine and rainbows.

After winning a shitty school talent show with his rad guitar skills, D.J. gets $50 bucks (the prize money) and plans out his future with Travis, his other friend (Lydia and Travis are his only friends)6.

However, Travis gets killed in a failed mugging and all these plans go down the drain.

D.J., already being in a very awful environment, decides to end his life as survivor’s guilt wracks his soul and grief consumes all sense and emotion he has left. This is supposed to be very emotional, but I dozed off because there were too many metaphors about storms and emotional shit but I think we got the main idea.

But just before he jumps off the bridge and ends the story with a bunch of unsatisfied readers, he finds strength in his other non-dead friend, Lydia.

Wanting to escape the shitty town of Forrestville and its equally shitty inhabitants, Dill lets Lydia push him forward in life into a college. Not exactly perfect, but Lydia is a busy person and she needs to go to a prestigious college as soon as she wraps up Dill’s life to ensure he doesn’t jump off any bridges behind her back.

After that, Lydia goes off to the big city to do her thing there and Dill has a new beginning in college. It’s one of the most tear-jerking moments of the story because we never know if Dill really lost his virginity.

Non-Biased Review

The story is good. Review done.Image result for the serpent king

You should go buy it to support His Majesty’s career.

Also, I know that most of the people who read this were high school students trying to get some quick and easy quotes and shit, but seriously, stop. The Serpent King is a great book, save the cheating for the Shakespeare, Alan Paton, and Jane Austen unit.

Continue reading

Free Will and Schrödinger’s Cat – A Guide to Fundamental Principles of Quantum Mechanics

Here’s a little something about conventional physics: Everything is predictable.

This is called determinism.

If you knew the exact particles and their position in the Big Bang, you could theoretically use physics to predict everything up to the creation of you, and of course, you reading this post.

This is a problem because it shatters our idea of free will. And that’s not very good, considering most of us don’t like the idea of being little puppets being driven by Newton.

So here’s the part where I go into confusing quantum physics stuff. I can almost hear the views dropping.

Intro to Quantum Mechanics

Quick Explanation of Quantum Mechanics: The study of atoms and particles smaller than atoms. The way they act is really weird and is completely different from conventional physics.

Before we conquer the idea of “free will,” I’ll explain the basics of quantum mechanics by oversimplifying a ton of information, but you’ll get the main idea.

How Did Quantum Physics Start?
The driving forces behind quantum physics are black body radiation, the Ultraviolet Catastrophe, and light quanta.

Light Quanta: Small packets of energy carried by light. (AKA: Photons.)

A black body is a thing that absorbs everything in the electromagnetic spectrum. And it also can emit everything on the electromagnetic spectrum. Giving it stuff results in it giving stuff back. The “giving stuff back” part is called black body radiation.

What really propelled people into quantum physics in the Ultraviolet Catastrophe. Since a black body is at an equal temperature with its surroundings, when we shoot stuff from really high up in the electromagnetic spectrum at it, the black-body responds with more energy than we sent into it (because the temperature cannot change, only what it sends and receives are the things that can be affected.)

If you really pay attention, you can see that line on the graph that extends outwards into infinity. Yeah, that’s the catastrophe.

And since our universe hasn’t been completely obliterated yet, we know that the UV catastrophe can’t be true.

A German physicist named Max Planck came up with a solution. He proposed that bodies didn’t absorb energy in ginormous bulk and that waves don’t carry energy the way people thought. Rather, waves carry energy in tiny packets of energy (called quanta) that ride along in the waves.

You’ve probably heard of Planck’s Equation. It figures out the size and power of the quanta using Planck’s constant.


Note: ‘h’ is planck’s constant, which is another confusing thing Max Planck made. It is used in lots of equations in quantum physics, which sucks, because memorizing it looks really hard.



e=energy in the quanta

This means higher-frequency waves have less powerful quanta, which means that when we shoot high-frequency wavelengths at black bodies we aren’t actually sending enough energy to make a black body start ripping apart space and time.

Waves and Stuff

Light is both a wave and a particle. You’ve probably already heard this a gazillion times in your old science classes, but here’s a quick explanation just as a refresher.

The Double-Slit Experiment

The experiment shows light’s wave-like properties.

It makes use of two properties of waves and demonstrates that they work on light.

1 If a wave reaches a small opening, it diffracts.

See the source image

2When waves collide, they don’t just “cancel-out.” The interaction of these waves is called interference. If they both have an equal displacement (fancy way to say “height”), they combine in constructive interference. If their displacements are opposite they will cancel each other out in deconstructive interference.

See the source image

The Experiment: Two slits were set up and the light was sent through them. (Yeah, that’s all they actually did.)


The first panel shows the slits. The screen with two strips of light is what would happen if the light behaved like a particle. The final screen shows how the light actually behaved, like a wave.

However, light isn’t just a wave. It’s also a particle, and that’s because of the photoelectric effect.


An atom has protons, neutrons, and electrons. You should know that. If you don’t, then I recommend you navigate away from this page and go read a 1st-grade science textbook before coming back.


An interesting thing happens when an electron absorbs lots of high-frequency waves, it escapes the shell of the atom. This is called the photoelectric effect, and the runaway electrons are called photoelectrons.

Why Stuff Gets Weird

Since light behaves like a wave, the more intense the light on an atom, the more powerful a photoelectron will be, right?

However, this hasn’t been observed. Which means that the only way to explain the photoelectric effect is for light to behave like a particle.

If light was like a particle, the photoelectric effect makes sense because while we are sending more photons/quanta, the photons can still have equal amounts of energy, not like waves.

(If light behaved like a wave it’d absorb some of the energy we were inputting and the photoelectrons would’ve increased, which didn’t happen..)

This means if we send higher-frequency waves to try to buff-up the power of these photoelectrons, Planck’s Equation tells us the quanta won’t carry enough energy to actually do this.

Thus, the double-slit experiment and the photoelectric effect means that light behaves like a particle and a wave.

Smart people call this property of light, “wave-particle duality.” Which rolls off the tongue easier than “thing that is like a wave, but also like a particle.”

Welcome to the Macroworld

Some guy named Louis de Broglie decided to make a hypothesis that all matter followed wave-particle duality. His theory was that all objects are surrounded by some sort of wave comparable to quanta. His groundbreaking theory was scoffed at. (Technically, the actual theory is that matter can behave like a wave, but we observe the waves, not the actual matter, so we just call it a matter wave.)

But now we’ve accepted Broglie’s idea, and the actual term for these waves around all matter is a matter wave.

A New Sign Joins the Battle!

A new symbol was introduced to suit this new burst of stuff in quantum physics. It’s the wave function, which can be written as Ψ or ψ. You are probably familiar with it if you’ve ever had a really ranty science teacher that goes far too off-topic.

(The sign wasn’t created. It was just some Greek sign that was repurposed.)

The wave function is used a lot, and it’s what makes those quantum equations look even more confusing.

Quantum Superposition

You know how things are only supposed to have one position and velocity?

While that certainly applies to everything we’ve observed in the big normal world, quantum physics lives the thug life and this rule doesn’t apply to it.

This rebellious act against Newton called superposition.

Thug Life

If you throw two identical balls in the exact identical way they’ll end up with the exact same paths and movement. They’ll have the same trajectory, arch, and ending point.

Unfortunately for us, quantum superposition says a big no-no to that, because now that object is capable of existing in multiple places at the same time.

From what you’ve observed, you are probably used to things having one velocity and point in space instead of multiple, which makes sense because observing an object in superposition “breaks” its superposition.

Wave Function Collapse

Here’s what those three simple words mean: If you observe a quantum object, superposition no longer works because you have determined that objects properties. Which means you’ve determined its exact state and narrowed it’s multiple velocities and points in space down to one velocity and point (you turn off its superpowers.)

Oversimplification of Wave Function Collapse: If you observe a particle, it’ll no longer have superposition and revert to the properties of a “normal” thing.

Wave Function Collapse completely breaks the deterministic properties of the world.

Therefore, the only way to figure out where a quantum particle is to assign probabilities of its position in a wave (remember that wacky Greek symbol?) This is where the wave function (you know, the one with the goofy symbol) comes in handy.

See the source image

However, if you observed the particle, wave function collapse would occur, which temporarily determines the position of the particle and removes the effect of superposition.

See the source image

Why Aren’t We Affected by Superposition?

Since bigger objects interact with these super-duper-uber small particles, that counts as “observing” because we are indirectly determining the positions of the particles.

This means we aren’t affected by all of these cool phenomena because the bigger and normal things are already determined to have only one position and velocity.

And to be honest, I’m fine with that. I don’t like the idea of my kidneys teleporting out of my body.

Another reason to why we don’t behave like quantum particles is because the more mass an object has, the smaller the wavelength of its matter wave will be, but the super-small stuff has huge matter waves, which is also a problem because we can’t observe quantum particles.

Why We Can’t Observe/Interact With Quantum Particles

If a quantum particle gets hit by light, it’ll get messed up because particles in the light are much larger than the quantum particle.

The same thing happens for everything else we try to do with it. So not only is there a “no lookie” rule, but there is also a “no touching” rule. Sucks, I know. No teleporting kidneys for now.

Luckily, people have been finding ways to use quantum particles, like in quantum computing. (I’ll link that post here when it comes out.)

Schrödinger’s Cat

Schrödinger’s Cat is a thought experiment created by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935 in order to demonstrate the weirdness of quantum physics interacting with bigger objects. It was mostly created to help show the wave function collapse, and how vague the term “observe” actually was. Needless to say, the thought experiment sparked a lot of debate and divided people up as they took different interpretations of the experiment. Much like the comment sections on news articles.

This is the exact way it was written in the EPR article by Erwin Schrödinger:
A cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following device (which must be secured against direct interference by the cat): in a Geiger counter, there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small, that perhaps in the course of the hour one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges and through a relay releases a hammer that shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid. If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The first atomic decay would have poisoned it. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts.

What Does it Mean?

All of the complex-ishy-advanced-wordiness basically means the cat has a 50/50 chance of being alive or dead.

And since the status of the radioactive decay of the substance is not known, the cat is under superposition until you actually open the box to observe what has happened.

So is the cat in a state of being both alive and dead?

But even then, some people state that the air particles around the substance and moving cat, and the fact that the cat can “observe” whether the prussic acid was released, superposition is prevented.

Some people even came up with a “many-worlds” interpretation of Schrödinger’s cat. The idea is that when at least two quantum systems interact, reality is spliced into multiple worlds, each holding an instance of a possibility.

See the source image

This means at least two universes are created, one having a dead cat, another having a living one. Which is pretty cool but it sucks for the universe with the dead cat.

But for the most part, Erwin’s theoretical cat achieved its goal, which is to make your physics classes needlessly confusing.

Uncertainty Principle

If we shoot a photoelectron into a wall, the effect of superposition means that we can only make guesses at the probability of where it’s gonna go.

See the source image

Something to note is that this has no relation to the observer effect, the uncertainty principle means that we are never certain of where the photoelectron is gonna go.

Reiterating this Idea: I gotta get this into your skull. The uncertainty principle and observer effect are completely different things!

Since there always is a tiny bit of uncertainty of the energy levels anywhere, some crazy stuff happens in vacuums, space, and time. Which is why Hawking Radiation and a bunch of other stuff exist. And that’s not very intro-to stuff, so fuck it.

Update: Shit, Hawking fucking died that’s sad.

A Quick Overview of A Few Other Cool Phenomena

These aren’t going to be as thoroughly explained in this post because I only intend to explain the bare minimum of stuff so I could talk about quantum mechanic’s role in messing up determinism. If you’re still interested, just plug everything in bold text into a search engine.

For example, if I typed Sonic Porn in bold, that’d mean I’m telling you to search for porn.

Quantum Tunneling – Particles or whole atoms always have a probability of going through a barrier, even if they don’t have enough energy to do so. This happens regularly inside of the Sun when it fuses atoms together to give us energy.

Spin – Quantum objects have a rotation that is purely intrinsic. This spin makes very weak magnetic fields. Some materials have lots of electrons in the atoms, overpowering the magnetic effect. (That’s why wood doesn’t behave like a magnet.) But the configuration of the shape of atoms also affects the magnetic properties. Also, the measure of an atoms spin is based off Planck’s Constant. Things with half-integer spins are called fermions. Things with integer spins are bosons. I’m too lazy to elaborate on this. Google it yourself.

Wave Function Symmetry – No two objects are actually identical. However, we can still have things that are indistinguishable, which works out well for all of the mathematics running the show. (Or else we’d have to invent math for even more stuff, which sucks.)

Antimatter – Antimatter particles have an equal mass to “normal” matter, except everything about them is oppositely charged. When they come into contact with matter, they cause “annihilation.” Their energy levels (which are opposites and determined by their spin) will combine to form zero. And a bunch of gamma ray photons is released, too. Cool beans.

Quantum Entanglement – Quantum entanglement is a phenomenon that occurs due to superposition and annihilation energy. Let’s take two photons from annihilation. We know that these two particles’ energy levels combined equal zero, so their spins must be opposites, too. As soon as one of the particles is measured, their wave function collapses. And by doing this, you are indirectly observing the other photon’s energy level, too. (Because the opposite of the directly observed photon’s spin will tell you the other photon’s spin.) Therefore, the other photon, no matter how far away it is, has its wave function collapse, too. This means can instantly determine another photon’s properties at infinite distances.

Virtual Particles – Some crazy stuff for another post.

Sonic Porn – Do not.


Quantum mechanics can still influence our bigger world. (Schrödinger’s cat is a good example.)

And so, the law of uncertainty might be our best explanation of whether or not we have free will.

There was once a chilling belief that we lived in a world that moved like clockwork. Whatever happened was, “destined,” to happen. And that free will did not exist.

Compatibilists believed that determinism and free will could exist together without conflict. (But all they did was change the definition of free will so that they could mash the two ideas together. They didn’t do anything else.)

Although quantum mechanics has been more open to the idea of free will (sorry, Newton), we aren’t absolutely sure of its existence. However, this might be our escape from universal fates and destinies.

Now let’s say that your brain is not deterministic, and now you’ve gone down a whole other rabbit hole. At this point, you can give your future actions percentages. There’d be a large group of similar actions at one point, and sometimes a vast plethora of very different chances of things happening.

But is randomness truly freedom?

Well, I’m not a philosophical preachy kind-of person so you’ll just have to do your own thinking on that one.

The Grand Inkitt Scam

New writers are desperate.

They work hard on their ginormous manuscripts and usually end up having it rot into oblivion when zero A-list publishers pick it up. Luckily for them, a great company in Berlin is dubbing itself, “The world’s first reader-powered publisher”, or something like that.

Meet Inkitt, a humble company that totally doesn’t exaggerate itself when it’s really just a shitty version of Wattpad.

So, being a novice writer myself, I tried posting my own story to see if I could score a publishing deal and suddenly make millions.

Turns out, my story wasn’t formatted correctly (among other things), and it got taken down. There goes my millions.

Luckily for me, the people at Inkitt sent this email to explain everything.

Inkitt is a big ol’ scam wonderful opportunity for people!

And I’ll tell you why.

The People Running it Don’t Even Exist:

Ali Albazaz is the founder and CEO of Inkitt. He studied computer science and doesn’t have any publishing experience. Also, his stories are… well… you can read them yourself.

Update: As it turns out, Ali recently deleted all of his stories. (One day after the time of writing.) Luckily, I already read all of the fucking chapters of The Lost Howl and I fully regret it.

The co-founder, Linda Gavin, studied design. She’s a web designer who draws logos and icons for stuff. But no actual publishing experience here, either. Her background is also a bit more mysterious because no amount of searching would give me anything else.

I tried to read a few chapters, but it was even less comprehensible than Ali’s.

Publishing, Yay!

“Who are we or any editor in the world to judge whether your book is worth publishing?” – Inkitt Website – 2018

From this quote, I don’t think they grasp the idea that editors edit stuff and that publishing stuff is a business that requires agents striking deals over mugs of steaming coffee at 1 AM in the morning.

Not doing anything is not actually publishing. Just saying. But these guys are pros, they probably do all that behind-the-scenes, right?

Goodie for them, the readers do all the work. Their “advanced algorithms” will detect stories that get liked or viewed. They’ll even ring you up a publishing deal by pitching the book to Random House or some other good publisher to score you a deal!

Inkitt’s Super-Genius Advanced Algorithm

Even though the founders have no idea what they are doing, they have a super-awesome method of figuring out which books to offer publishing deals.

They use deep learning algorithms.


That’s right, they start out with zero data, and then some data, and then they train their algorithm on that data. And then the algorithm studies more data as it continues learning from nothing into something.

This is 100% farce because the super-good AI they tout couldn’t have sprouted out of nothing. In fact, I don’t even think their algorithm even exists.

The problem is that the Inkitt algorithm would need big data from their own users to figure out what books people read more on their platform. (That’s what they say their algorithm analyzes).

Also, the publishing page on their site clearly shows their method of publishing!

  1. They design a cover for your book and edit the manuscript. (Let’s ignore the fact that authors commission their own artists.)
  2. Pitch your book to A-list publishers.
  3. Even if the big awesome publishers deny your story, don’t worry! Inkitt will publish it for you if that happens! (Wow, they are so nice!)

According to the site, their first published work is the Sky Riders series by some gal named Erin Swan.

I tried looking on Amazon. Nothing. It hasn’t been published.

My Google search brought up nothing, except the Inkitt page and some news about the book releasing sometime “soon.”

If a publisher like HarperCollins does pick up the book, Inkitt takes 15%, the same percentage most reputable agents put up. It’s great news that a mysterious company that doesn’t understand how publishing works is willing to charge you the same rate as a decent agent!

So what if Inkitt did publish it themselves? You get 50% of their earnings on the book. That’s better than anything you’ll get from any publishers. Something even more amazing is that they don’t even put your book up for sale, like in the case of Erin Swan.

If worst comes to worst you could put your work on Amazon yourself and earn 70%.

Do I Keep My Rights?

Let’s say you win a contest and get Inkitt’s publishing deal (the great 50% of $0 one) and a custom mug and notepad, now you’re worried about your rights being violated. Inkitt claims you keep all of your rights.

But you know how Inkitt put up your story on Amazon? And how publishers need the English-language right to publish a book in the English language?

Inspecting the Fine Print:
Inkitt can own your stuff if you are “Specially Promoted.”

I have a pretty good idea that you are “specially promoted” when they throw your book on Amazon, quickly giving themselves the rights to your work.

Fanfiction Contests

I don’t think they understand copyright.

(Rare footage of Inkitt HQ’s planning session provided by an anonymous skilled photographer sneaking into the chaos with an iPhone.)

Unmasking the Real Scam

So a couple of months before I wrote this post, a guy named James Beamon investigated the “Collected Data” bar in the Inkitt analytic’s page (which has been removed along with its contests and literally everything else over the course of two months.)

He contacted support to figure out exactly how the “chapter reads” were related to the collected data bar.

They ended up going on a game of ping-pong where the support eventually said that chapter reads don’t directly fill the bar, reader data does.

Thus, another ping-pong ball was added and they began playing an even more confusing game of ping-pong.

Apparently, this was about “reader engagement,” and not about “how the readers read the book with how it is paced.” But don’t worry, James continued pushing past this confusing mesh of words and began checking off possibilities in his head as they began to be eliminated.

The bar was not “directly” influenced by chapter reads or how fast or slow a person reads a book.

And then James had a soylent green moment.

Now, James hit a wall because the discussion was going into “proprietary information,” but his theory makes sense.

The thing is, when you sign into Inkitt with your Facebook or Google account, they can request your data. And depending on what information you give when you click “Yes, I Accept,” you could be giving away lots of information to e-marketers or ad companies.

If you don’t mind giving away information (or have a lot of aliases,) then none of this should matter as it’s a matter of choice.

Whether or not you choose to participate in becoming a product out of your own personal information is up to your own discretion (to a certain point in certain areas, thanks NSA!)

But even if you’re fine with your personal information being sold, you should still be aware of Inkitt’s many faults that don’t make it worth it to click that big blue sign-up button in the first place.


Just save yourself the trouble. Seriously.

There was talk about Tor Books striking a deal with Inkitt over Erin Swan’s series, which is awesome.

It’s also great how her entire series is still published by Inkitt and hosted on their site for free! (I’m assuming that the professionally-published version will be cleanly edited and revised.)

That information came out in 2017. And recently Tor Books opened up about their deal!

The book was supposed to release Summer 2017. Now it’s gonna release in Autumn 2019. (The delay was due to internal conflicts. Whatever that means.)

Erin Swan is none the wiser about Inkitt’s practices, but at least she’s one of the many victims who is actually getting published. Good for her.

Your scam is bad

The Dark Side of Inkitt