How To Socially Survive High School (for Introverts)

In the Classroom

As a person reluctant to talk, most of your talking will be done for mandatory school things.

As such, there isn’t really anything to do except to accept your fate and grit your teeth like you’re trying really hard to poop but there’s a big stone in your butt.

Presentations

When presenting, being confident doesn’t equate to a lack of stage fright.

The anxiety is natural, and endless rationalizing will only get you so far, even if the stage fright is extremely trivial.

Personally, I get wobbly knees and feel like a floppy paper in the breeze, but just that’s me. You might have it better or worse.

There are no secret tips. Being clear and concise is a rubric criterion, not a 100% achievable goal. Just do what you can and get out.

Questions

When you are asked a question, the best thing to do is to not answer. Ever. This will make you seem dull, wannabe-emo, or ignorant. All of which are good character traits that drive away people.

This tactic doesn’t always work, so sometimes you actually want to answer the question to avoid being a complete social failure that gets ostracized for being weird.

Laughing and hoping that the question wasn’t a question usually works.

Lunch

Sitting by yourself requires a place to sit and a real desire to sit alone. It can’t be for some fad or to act edgy. If your reasons are legitimate, then, by all means, continue.

The best way to claim an area to sit is to sit at the same spot for months until you become the all-powerful owner. However, breaking your streak once will shatter your dominance immediately, making you place-to-sit-less.

Backup benches for your solitary lunches are required. On the off-chance that an annoying couple decides to invade and start flirting or making out in your lonely area, you can retreat to your backup bench.

Be prepared, or you’ll end up sitting next to people while you eat lunch, which sucks.

In the Great Beyond

Parties

As an avid member of the ‘get-invited-to-a-birthday-party-and-realize-you-can’t-find-anything-to-do-with-your-friends-from-school-because-you’ve-only-interacted-with-them-during-school-when-you-could-talk-about-things-somewhat-related-to-school’ club, I’ve gotten pretty good at building the hype and providing immense disappointment.

Just don’t show up to the parties and you’ve eliminated all of the problems.

‘Real’ Parties

This is where the drama gets violent. This is still child’s play compared to all of the sadistic gossips that your foul-mouthed—I mean peers, spread.

Introverts are too terrified to attend ‘real’ parties. ‘Real’ parties only elicit misanthropic feelings and a burning desire to die.

An ‘real’ party is made of 3 parts questionableness, 2 parts underage drinking, 3 parts that-one-group-of-people-laughing-really-loudly, and 2 parts someone shitting on the floor.

Hint: People who sucked at 5th grade birthday parties are more likely to be the people shitting on the floor.

At the Groceries

Cashiers

Cashiers are wack. If you forget ten cents they’ll chase you through the fucking store.

If a cashier starts chasing you, it’s best to accept your change like the cheapskate human trash you are before awkwardly thanking them and leaving as quickly as possible.

Employees

If an employee begins giving you the death stare, hold your ground, loosen your knees, and pretend to return to a defensive fighting stance as if it is your usual stance.

Extroverts

When Targeted

Run.

When Confronted

Run.

When ‘Befriended’

Run.

When You Return Home With No Energy Left After Being Drained By An Extrovert

Realize that this was your fate1 from the moment the extrovert began targeting you. Despite your experience being completely linear, the moment you and the extrovert first met, no matter how small it was, predetermined your fate and doomed you.

Hopefully, you’ll be able to shake them off your back over summer. Also, keep in mind if the extrovert is a person that you feel that you could possibly develop feelings of friendship for, constantly remind yourself that you are 100% definitely one of their 1,450 side-hoes they call their ‘friends’.

Reading This Blog

When You Are Reading

dont

Debunking Some Satire To Destroy The World

There is quite a lot of information readily available on the internet about dominating the earth. (Which is a lie because it’s all just Sam Hughes being quoted in various articles.)

I released a satirical post on destroying cities not too long ago which turned out to be too serious-sounding and was a massive failure, but also actually a success because people liked it.

The ideas I went through were jokes, such as setting off an unreasonable amount of explosives near a bunch of magma to create an artificial lahar in an area well-accustomed to lahars. Not only would there be national coverage of the massive explosion in the middle of nowhere that caused nothing, but even if a lahar started (if we were skilled geologists and explosives experts), the designated area also had an early warning system and also existed within the realms of reality, laws, order, etc., which are those things that stop Tom and Jerry stuff from being reenacted in real life. .

I also suggested sprinkling radioactive dust around to kill a bunch of people, but my method was not only a logistics problem of discreetly surprise attacking tons of people at once but also the problem of obtaining buttloads of radioactive material. I also seriously doubt that many people would inhale a flour cloud if it fell on them.

If you’re a government hell-bent on holding half a hemisphere hostage then you don’t need the dodgy Acme-verified solutions, you just need to make the damn cobalt bomb and start making threats. The flour bomb was originally supposed to be a mini-cobalt bomb but had to be cut down to fit the expenses and salary of a middle-class worker.

And, to seal up the article in the stupidest this-is-a-giveaway-that-this-is-satire way possible, I suggested basically making a big cylinder in the floor and using it as a musket to fire junk into space to trap humanity. Unfortunately, the Earth is rather big so that doesn’t actually work. Just keep buying your palm oil products and we’ll get there eventually, except the litter will be on the ground level.

However, some people were convinced I had scammed them of their world domination rights, and rightfully so! I had committed the highest form of treason: Making a misleading/confusing header.

So I’m back, and after going out of my way to tell you that yes, that previous post on destroying the world was a joke, I will redeem myself and tell you a legitimate method of dominating the world.

How To (Really) Dominate the World

World Domination: Destroy or own a good portion of the earth. There are no specifics and anything goes, let’s get started.

We’ll be assuming a couple of things here.

Assumption 1: I want to not die in the process.
Assumption 2: I want to not be arrested.
Assumption 3: I want to become the most powerful existence on the planet.

The best way to own the world is to have it in the palm of your hand, therefore I really only need a couple of things.

  1. A survival backpack filled with food, water, tools, game consoles, tons of sunscreen, solar panels, etc.
  2. Experience breathing in places with thin air.
  3. A Katamari.

As a Katamari grows, a side effect is that its user will grow to match the size of the ball, meaning that as long as I bring plenty of rations, I don’t need that much stuff as long as I increase the size of the Katamari fast enough.

In the early stages, the Katamari will be fairly easy to build in secret.

After I reach a substantial size I will need to prepare for larger attacks from humanity, so I will need to strategically aim for large areas filled to the brim with stuff to increase my size before fighter jets, tanks, and missiles can stop me.

This will be important, as I will become bigger and bigger, reducing my mobility (think of how a fly sees us as super slow.) My best starting point would obviously be a junkyard near a big city so that I can start adding skyscrapers to my Katamari ASAP.

After a couple of skyscrapers, I will be big enough to be basically invincible. So the current plan is as such:

  1. Build the Katamari secretly in a junkyard near a neighborhood or something.
  2. Roll up the junkyard and the small buildings and then attack a city and become invincible from humanity.
  3. Set up my living quarters, settle down, and start making demands.

After this, I can stop growth and start making my demands to world leaders. At this point, life will be pretty boring and I will just stand there with my Katamari and watch humanity whizz by me like a Civ game on steroids until I eventually get nuked a couple of times and die or get bored and roll up the rest of the world and start anew.

Either way, once you’re the supreme lord that’s about it. If you want to play the pacifist you can bask in the sun’s radiation until you get skin cancer and die. Or you can choke and die. Or you can gain so much mass the planet and moon collapse on you and turn you into a planet.

Current Problems: World domination seems kind of boring and noone has a magical Katamari they want to lend me.

The Future of This Blog (2019)

If you are reading this post, then it means that this blog has successfully scored a secure-ish 3-year future (after that who knows.)

This would mean that I have successfully made an investment for the long-run to push myself forward.

So, yeah.

If you aren’t reading this, then that’s fine, too. Not many people really come here, but I do feel like I could be better if I put more work in.

The Past

I have tried to write something about the past of this blog since nobody really was there to experience it, but I hope this time I actually manage to do it.

I started Enchoseon in 2016-2017 in order to post joke webcomics and serious web serials. Unfortunately, I suck ass at both.

However, I still spent my entire 7th-grade summer in my room, typing away regardless.

What came out was crap and I switched to making blog posts when I deleted all of my stories, but what I’ve put the most work into is still those unseen web serials.

Blog posts weren’t something I wanted to do and I only did them because I didn’t have any web serials to work on. I ended up making tons of trash before making an okay-ish blog post titled, “The Grand Inkit Scam“.

The Present

I have no idea what I want to do on this site. I really need to come up with something or else I won’t be able to tell myself to invest in the next 3 years.

Hmm.

Damnit.

I guess… web serials? Or comics? This is much harder than I thought it would be.

And the timing of this is pretty late, too.

Well. Maybe.

Shit.

Blogging is an Infinite Game

Recently I’ve been having doubts about things and the usual such, common events that happen during the holidays. But it was only recently that I’ve been able to grasp how ungraspable things are.

So let’s go backward and grab a couple definitions straight out of Simon Sinek’s mouth:

Finite Games:
-Known players
-Fixed rules
-Agreed objective
-Winners and Losers

Infinite Games:
-Known and unknown players
-Changeable rules
-Goal is to extend game
-No Winners or Losers

Chess has tangible rules that do not change as you play. Chess games end once they end. And chess will have a winner and loser (usually, but let’s not get caught up in the nitty gritty).

Blogging has no tangible rules, and the ones that we do know always change. Backlink spamming used to be great for Google, but now it will only get you kicked off the face of the internet. The amount of people you compete with is humongous and impossible, and declaring yourself a ‘winner’ is stupid.

If you declare yourself to be the biggest and bestest blog, you are really just the biggest and bestest blog in the sample of blogs that you chose. Declaring yourself to be the ‘best’ at anything in an infinite game is stupid in general because there will always be ups and downs in an infinite game. You will never the best forever, either.

To simplify:

Infinite Games: Kaizen

Finite Games: Fucking win

Finite games fit inside infinite games, they are inevitable. 2

Winning finite games can help the infinite game. Fighting for gay rights, civil rights, etc. all help the infinite game for equality and happiness and all of the other intangible stuff we value.

Capitalism provides for a great infinite game. Businesses that are alive today will eventually go away or change or whatever, but businesses will always exist. If Google disappeared, shit would definitely go down in the beginning, but other companies would still exist. 2 Capitalism allows for many businesses to be the providers of something so that if one business drops out of the infinite game, another can provide for it.

However, Simon Sinek raised an important issue, which is when a finite player competes with an infinite one.

War in Vietnam:
-Vietnam: Fight to survive (infinite game)
-US: Fight to win (finite game)

Wars are not finite, and finite goals can have accidental infinite results. New players will emerge, and new policies will reshape and create rules.

Declaring an end to an infinite game will result in immense disconnection from the infinite game. The disconnected player will become uncertain, chaotic, and unable to decide on a goal.

When you are in an infinite contest, using your interests is a horrible plan.

When you are in an infinite contest, building for the infinite future is wonderful.

So let’s boil it down to our own private lives.

As humans, goals need to be something we can see. “Fastest growing”, “even more”, and “most respected” are not tangible, visible goals. They do not motivate us. “Excercise each morning”, “become 20 lbs lighter”, and “do my homework” are realistic goals that we can see.

The goals and actions of finite and infinite players are different, and it results in the opening of many Pandora’s boxes from other Pandora’s boxes inside and from and with other Pandora’s boxes.

Summer Sucks Buttholes

Summer is, inarguably, the worst time of the year for me.

All the bullshit that fucks with me for the rest of the year goes down in summer, and there is always more than one thing waiting to fuck with me.

Some aspects are consistent and predictable, I always never prepare for summer and end up wallowing in a pit of self-loathing when I realize that I have no skills or hobbies, so I usually try to pick at something that I tried to pick at the previous summer.

I’ve been through many summer-hobby/passion-hunts before, cycling through electronic boards, parkour (yes, now stop laughing), music, and planning where I’d like to travel abroad and then hating myself endlessly for not being able to speak English very well, let alone another language (I can’t articulate sounds very well).

Recently I’ve been unanimously and unwillingly appointed as the operator of a Minecraft server. Minecraft 1.14+ is pure hell to work with on the server-side. I spent the first week of my break sitting at my computer, moving files and typing lines of special rules and waiting for Filezilla to upload the files.

I’m already struggling to host this server, so no part of me is willing to donate money to a goddamn Minecraft server just because my ignorant friends do not see the absolute pain and torture I endure.

So yeah, I quit Minecraft server-ing.

So now I have a lot more time on my hands, but my new problem is equally predictable as it is bad.

My parents now believe that I go into my room to use my computer and that I use my computer endlessly and that I play games on my computer endlessly in my room and have no care for myself and that they need to take action because they believe that the only reason I stay in my room is to stay on my computer and play games.

My computer crashes randomly when I use Google Chrome, and even though I am the sort of guy who opens up so many tabs that they no longer look like tabs, Chrome just crashes when I have 1 tab open with no other background apps. My computer is really just a potato in disguise.

Self-loathing has a strong effect, pushing me to do things that are originally healthy and useful before becoming obsessive and unhealthy. “Argh I hate my room’s organization” turns into “I will spend the next couple of days switching between these two chairs for some reason” and then “I will reorganize all of these things that I never use inside of this school folder that I also never use for the next 3 hours” and then “Let me check the Minecraft server, oh great it crashed there goes the next two days of my break and overall life.”

So my current passion-hunt is with music (once again), and I have been fighting for this since last year with my parents, and I managed to score a keyboard in my room, raising my overall self-esteem about my room.

However, working on my current work-area is a last-minute slapped-together hell and I’m still going through a plethora of other problems just to get my mom to not move my keyboard around in my room like it’s a piece of furniture that can be placed anywhere she wants. My mom is a major control freak, even over things that she has no control over or things that she is not entitled to have totalitarian control.

But these, I assume, are regular teenager problems that just piled on top of me due to my own apathy to act on them throughout the school year.

I’ve got 99+ problems and there are more to come. This post was made mostly to remind you that I’m still alive and also to tell you that Enchoseon has a high chance of shutting down forever due to money problems.

Ciao and I’ll hopefully see you soon.

The Age of Yelling Into A Massive Void

Right now everyone is yelling into the massive void that is the Internet.

Whether it’s your Facebook or Instagram, your Tumblr or Medium, everyone is yelling something—some louder than others.

The endless yelling has birthed a new type of influencer: Micro-influencers; they are people who are like influencers, but they have smaller followings that are more dedicated and interested in more specific niches.

The Internet is overflowing with people, influencers are now just a mucky group of people rather than familiar faces, and the yelling is just getting louder and louder.

I’m not fully complaining, though. There is definitely strength in numbers, but there are also weaknesses that need to be addressed.

Governments have taken laissez-faire stances on social media marketing, as child porn and drugs are little more dire and immediate problems.

I consider myself to be too small to be a micro-influencer, as I have no interest in being an ‘influencer’ and I just enjoy putting my stuff in my small cranny of the internet without getting too far into it.

But I also have a few reasons why I don’t like the new micro-influencing stage we’re currently in.

Most Micro-Influencers Have No Reason to Be Loyal

Micro-influencers can make money for being famous for doing nothing other than being famous for advertising products.

Even ‘real influencers’ are corruptable if you dangle enough cash in their faces.

Corporations and businesses are much more inclined to get micro-influencers to promote their products for better reach and encouragement, even more so than big influencers with a following in the millions!3

The corruptibility is why climate change is still a train heading full-speed toward global catastrophe. It’s why net neutrality is no longer an uphill battle but an entire cliff underneath a waterfall. The world will not last the next century if we don’t fix our problems faster.

But Some Micro-Influencers Are Dedicated

One of my favorite micro-influencers is Dr. Mike, who has certainly earned tons of money through partnerships and social media, but mostly for the Limitless Tomorrow foundation. Being handsome sorta just throws money in your hands, so I don’t think it’s his fault.

However, I can’t cross the line between admiring and worshipping, as it’s not like I trust the Limitless Foundation or Mike, I just have a good gut feeling that the doc has legitimate interests for making good edutainment content on his YouTube.

And then there is the weird crossroad between ‘cool person’ and ‘somewhat famous’, because I’d say that Max Tegmark is also one of my favorite micro-influencers. The problem is that he’s frickin’ smart, so I’m not really capable of fully understanding what he says when he opens his godly Swedish mouth, but I try my best.

But I’m not trying to talk about people that I think are cool, or else you’ll move on from me after finding someone cooler.

The reason I think Tegmark is more trustworthy than Dr. Mike is that he doesn’t even have the capability to use his social media following for ads.

On a different note, one of the best things I’ve ever read from him is his goof titled ‘The Flying Boot’.

It’s all up to us

In the end, people are famous because they have people who like them. People like you and me.

We can’t solve climate change without affecting each of our lives. We can’t sit still and expect changes we want to happen magically through by our apathy.

On the same note, it’s all up to us to do our part and admire the right people and to avoid misinformation.

And yes, that means ignoring most of grandma’s Facebook posts, as old people are much more likely to share fake news2.

Prepubescent Phases of Pain and Crying and Screaming and Torture

The high school years are apparently the best times of a human’s lifetime. You can do basically whatever you want and lock it behind you in a protective bubble of humiliation later.

However, the largest reason high school is supposedly awesome is that you can make friends. Ew. Social circle. Ew. Life. Ew.

I’m not a pessimistic ass all of the time, I’m just not a people-person, which just means I’m a pessimistic ass whenever people are nearby.

Not interacting often gives me the sort of joy that can only arise from observing the cringey and disturbing human pupae.

I still haven’t undergone the entire hell that is high school, but I’d like to compile my experiences into a post before I go so insane that I lose the ability to write.

Lyrical Claptrap3

I remembered that I had some cringey poems I wrote in 7th grade and I tried to find them so that I could share them here, but I couldn’t find them, so I found someone else’s poem instead.

Feelings don’t change,
they leave

– A smug Instagram schmuck

Lyrical claptrap only sounds good to the person writing it. It’s brought by random emotional feelies hitting people with poor coping mechanisms because their coping mechanism is to puke their shitty feelings onto their phones in the middle of the night so that they can share it the same way a first grader shows off their unsanitary macaroni art.

Harambe we love you

– Elon Musk’s Soundcloud

When I was into lyrical claptrap I was also a logophile. I spent my 7th-grade lunches reading my pocket dictionary during lunch and I didn’t actually write too much.

Pictures

Taking pictures of yourself is a stupid idea.

It’s like taking a picture of a chicken being chopped in half and then hanging up that picture at the dinner table.

Selfies are annoying to everyone trying to walk around you, and I also don’t understand the fucking deal with taking pictures of yourself through a mirror.

Social Obsession

Contrary to idiotic belief, people are not constantly studying you.

A large majority of people fit into some stereotype or other, with ‘quirky’ and ‘mod’ being primarily dominant.2

I live with a fake-it-till-you-make-it mindset. I don’t know sports, celebrities, movies, bands, rappers, or other important aspects of current pop culture.

However, it seems that everyone likes the same shit rap music and that all of the ‘I’m searching for individuality’ bullshit that is supposed to be happening in great big America is nonexistent.

We are all vastly the same when it comes to how we portray ourselves.

Social obsession takes the form of social media, clothing, and any other way a person lets the outside world know that they are a thing that exists.

But nobody really cares that you are a thing that exists. We’re too busy with our own lives to care about yours, so just take care of what matters when it matters.

Changing ‘Style’

Changing style is just fucking weird.

Perfectly normal introverts suddenly become ‘adventurous’ by wearing lipstick that looks like a Smurf came in their mouth.

Dyeing hair also makes no fucking sense. I’ve never looked at someone who dyed their hair and thought, ‘wow, that person was tolerable before, but now they’re just, cool.’

Suddenly changing style doesn’t fit everyone.

Terrifying Transformations I’ve Experienced:

  • Smart, likeable, handsome, and overall great role-model guy stops wearing glasses over Spring break. Freaks me out.
  • Normal person begins wearing vans and playing ukelele. Makes me feel sad.
  • Fuckboy forgets what a t-shirt is. Makes me cringe.
  • A different fuckboy doing a mirror selfie while holding their crotch area. I nearly cringe to death.

*Fuckboys in general are cringey.

I’m A _____

Being in California, I’m used to seeing Firewatch shit happen in the town over and people switching the gender they identify as four times a week.

None of that bothers me.

What does bother me is people calling themselves things they are 100% not.

Here’s a sample:

“When you clean your room/studio AND find your selfie stick 📸”

Congrats, you rich little shit, but just because you’re rich enough to store a bunch of cool shit in your room doesn’t make it a studio. Most of my room is actually empty space that I never let anyone know that I have. I just store all of the coolest shit that I’ve accumulated over the years at my desk so that I feel semi-rich at the expense of having a room where everything is placed in one corner.

Here’s another sample:

Since 2004
Artist, Animator, Voice actor, Writer…

The ellipses were not added by me. Apparently, this person is even more interesting and quirky and fun than what the list implies.

Personally, I identify as a blogger, but sometimes I feel quirky so I call myself a ‘writer’. And if I’m having a big mood I’ll say that I operate a content website.

Does Microsoft Rewards Work? – Tested Mathematically (2019)

The Microsoft Rewards program is a reboot of Bing Rewards. You can trade in points for rewards. That’s about it. If you’re reading, you’re probably from here from a Google search so you probably are already familiar with Microsoft Rewards.

Pre-ramble

I’ve been earning points passively through just my Bing searches.

Unfortunately, there is no longer a way to get Amazon gift cards (that was a Bing Rewards thing), so I set off on a journey to find the ‘true’ value of the points so that I could make the most of my points without the option to cash in for sweet Amazon money.

Note: I’ll be going through all of the stuff in the ‘Shop’ category and ignoring the sweepstakes and donation options. The new GUI and option to sort by category and price is great, too.

All prices are calculated with a Level 2 account, which is really easy to get if you just use Bing as your search engine. (I usually use Google, but I still reach Level 2 regardless).

The ‘True’ Value of Points

$5 gift cards cost 6,500 points on average, meaning that each point is worth $0.000769230769.

$25 gift cards cost 23,000 points on average, meaning that each point is worth $0.00108695652.

$50 gift cards cost 46,000 points on average, meaning that each point is worth $0.00108695652.

It’s clear that averages don’t really work out, so now we’re going to target the two types of gift cards: Microsoft and non-Microsoft gift cards (Target, Walmart, Chipotle, etc).

Non-Microsoft Gift Cards

Gift CardPointsWorth of Point
$56,500~$0.000769230769
$1013,000~$0.000769230769

Points for Microsoft gift cards are worth more in bigger purchases, and smaller trade-ins are worth much less.

Unfortunately, all of the non-Microsoft stores are capped at $5, meaning that if you want to make the most of your money you will need to buy a Microsoft gift card.

Non-Microsoft cards have a lower point worth and cannot be redeemed for anything higher than $5 (with some exceptions).

More on Point Worth

Point Worth of Microsoft Gift Cards:

$5-10: $0.00107526882

$25-50: $0.00108695652

$100: $0.0010989011

Point Worth of Non-Microsoft Gift Cards:

About ~$0.00107526882

Point Worth of NFL Gift Card:

$10: $0.000769230769

The Overall Results3

The Worst Deal Ever: NFL $10 gift card

The Best Deal Ever Microsoft $100 gift card

A $5 non-Microsoft gift card has the same point worth as a $5 or $10 Microsoft gift card.

The $5 Microsoft gift card costs 50 more points than a non-Microsoft gift card, and the $10 Microsoft gift card costs 2,800 more points while having the same point worth.

Also worth noting, Microsoft gift cards are now instantly sent to your account balance and therefore are not possible to trade in card pools or whatever.

Calculating Losses

Note that some people have had trouble buying multiple of the same prize in the past, not totally sure if that’s a problem now (you can enroll as many times as you want in sweepstakes, though).

$25 Comparison

Non-Microsoft Gift Card: 32,500 pts = $25

Microsoft Gift Card: 23,000 pts = $25

The Loss for Not Picking Microsoft: 9,500 pts

$50 Comparison

Non-Microsoft Gift Card: 6,500 pts * 10 = $50

Microsoft Gift Card: 46,000 pts = $50

The Loss for Not Picking Microsoft: 19,000 pts

yeah you get the point

The Omega-Final Verdict:

It’s a no-brainer that Microsoft really wants you to buy their gift cards rather than a Target one.

You’ll be missing out on stuff like Nintendo Switch games, books, and household commodities to make the most of your points.

So.

Yeah.

That’s all I guess.

Okay bye.

I Tried to Make Video Games

Spring has officially started, and I feel sad.

Just before break started, someone had their birthday and I snuck off to the band room with my friend on the same day, effectively enraging them.

I sent them an intentionally crappy birthday piano video as a joke and they released it, causing a fucktard to say in the comments ‘I can do it better because I can play piano’. I’d be worried if you couldn’t do it better, you damned arse.

Anyways, I also decided to try making games.

I Fail to Follow Basic Instruction

My First Game

Here is a screenshot of my first game.

Asteroids Copy

The lives counter went down by one when you died, but you didn’t respawn. In addition, you could fire 60 bullets per second if you tapped fast enough and the asteroids also didn’t respawn.

I failed Cosmonauts’ tutorial to make this one. I didn’t know that failing a tutorial on such a massive scale was even possible.

My Second Game

At this point, I still don’t know how to compile my shit. I’m currently updating Visual Studio so maybe that’ll change, but here’s another screenshot.

It’s a simple platformer thing.

From far away it looks like a pixel silhouette of a ballsack.

I misfollowed Sean Spalding’s tutorial to make it.

Aaaaand

Game Maker stopped working. I’ve been trying to get it to compile for hours and I’m fucking done.

The Hunt for a New Game Engine

I shuffled through tons of game engines, trying to find one that wasn’t trying to sell me something or expecting me to know what a game engine is supposed to be.

RPG Maker

Seems pretty solid. I have no idea how to import my own stuff or how to access core elements, but this seems more like an advanced Mario Maker for RPGs rather than a game engine.

Pixel Game Maker

I fumbled around until I found the option to make it run in English.

It seems to be pretty solid, but I’m 100% lost so I quit. But now I’m hyped for Witch and 66 Mushrooms.

Unity

They changed their website and I don’t like it so I left.

Unreal Engine

The first time I dabbled in Unreal Engine was when they were talking about some shitty game named Fortnite being released soon.

Since UE4 runs Fortnite, I feel slightly biased against it, but after messing around in it, I concluded that my computer sucks so much that it can’t even handle 3D objects in the editor.

When I logged on, I found that I had three new friends, which was confusing because I never played any games with my account, but then I remembered that I lent my brother my account to play Fortnite.

So I did what any normal person would do.

They didn’t respond. So I took a leap of faith, trying to guess which one of my brother’s classmates I was targeting non-creepily.

Shit.

So I went on a name-guessing spree, trying to figure out who I was talking to.

The guy’s responses were taking a long time, so I guessed he was on console.

Obviously, [redacted] schoolers are dumb, so when I tried to figure out the kid’s name, I got a two-minute wait for a 7-character message. It should not take that long to type your name, even on a controller.

I was starting to run out of ideas. I needed to get this kid, fast.

Then I got blocked.

Afterward, I figured out that my brother’s friend lied to my brother about his friend code because my brother was the one that added him (or he mistyped it).

I doubt Blue Dino will ever return, but if you’re reading this you damn Dino, sorry but not sorry and screw you for wasting my time by playing a Fortnite game after every single message you sent, you wasted literally an hour of my precious break.

Final Verdict: I will not be making any more video games (it’s Dino’s fault.)

Evil Not-so-Genius Ideas

Destroying humanity is a dream scenario for evil geniuses, but the world is pretty destructive already and a single individual or group of dedicated people would have to work extremely hard.

Unstoppability: How hard it is for external forces to stop the destruction. Speed and other factors (like the need to have a big machine constantly running) are evaluated. Extra style points if the method can be used to hold the world hostage.

Cities are great targets for mass destruction because they have lots of people, property, and are a mess to clean up. Highways, buildings, and the lives of people can total up to cost billions of dollars in repair. However, our noobish planning will probably only do a couple of million dollars of damage, tops.

Plan A: Artificial Lahars With Mount Rainier

Mount Rainier National Park

Mount Rainier is in Washington and is one of the highest-risk volcanoes we have. It spans 368.15 square miles and the peak is at 14,410 ft.

Even if there is not an eruption, there is a risk for lahars2, which are violent streams of volcanic mudflow and debris. Picture wet concrete cascading down a valley towards a city and you’re basically there.

Mount Rainier is one of the highest risk volcanoes in the world, and the USGS (United States Geological Survey) made this great graphic that was probably not intended for evil scheming.

Mount Rainier, Washington simplified hazards map showing potential impact area for ground-based hazards during a volcanic event.

Then, looking at Google Earth, we can see that the nearest cities are Tacoma and Lakewood.

The method of transport will be the Puyallup River, which was also formed by lahars some 5,600 years ago. The valley has about 150,000 people in danger of lahars already.

The problem is that most of the lahars from Mount Rainier are not actually caused by eruptions but by water and ice interacting with magma, causing rapid movement of water, which swells into a lahar.

In order to create a lahar, we need to attack this area:

Mining away tons of rock and dirt isn’t really that cool or evil so explosive charges set along both parts of the fork could release enough lava. An ANFO weighing 2,000 pounds could be made for about $1,500 (estimated from the Lowe’s catalog).

Since my free speech is being detained by law, I cannot go into depth on bombs, but there are plenty of guides on creating and detonating explosives. Though, the most destructive of all is the DCAM explosive.

Plan B: Tiny Cobalt Bombs

“We have the feeling that when this time comes to science, God with His white beard will come down to earth swinging a bunch of keys, and will say to humanity, the way they say at 5 o’clock at the saloon: ‘Closing time, gentlemen!'” – The Journal of the Goncourt Brothers; April 7, 1869.

Cobalt-60 is a particularly nasty element synthesized by humans. It emits gamma rays and is the byproduct of nuclear reactors. It also has a half-life of 5.27 years, making it an extremely hard substance to get rid of.

A ‘traditional’ cobalt bomb is a nuclear weapon packed with cobalt-59 (which is a single neutron away from its deadly cousin). Once the nuclear weapon explodes, the neutrons from the nuclear reaction turn the cobalt-59 into cobalt-60, spewing out a cloud of radioactive death into the atmosphere.

Unfortunately, cobalt doesn’t really explode and we don’t have access to nukes so we need the cobalt-60 to be in the bomb before exploding it. In addition, spreading out explosives in a dense, urban city is extremely hard to do.

At this point, we hit the largest bump. A massive bomb is unfeasible and planting explosives aren’t easy, either. Assuming a very cheap price, each bomb costs $100 for solid cobalt-60 and another $200 for the actual bomb.

Deployment would be possible with cars, suitcases, etc.; all of the usual terrorist stuff.

If the radiation in the city gets to 8 sV, a person walking outside could get cancer or permanent damage to their lungs in less than an hour.

After talking with some smart college students, a cheaper plan was created:

Image result for bag of flour

Flour bombs.

If the Cobalt-60 can be safely ground into fine dust and mixed into ziplock bags filled with a powdery substance like flour (of course, flour isn’t exactly the best powdery substance because it turns to mush in water), it can be dropped off buildings onto busy streets. Drones carrying the packages could be parked on various buildings to simultaneously drop all of the bombs after all of the bombs are planted.

Plan C: Space Littering

Space litter is a large problem. Space litter is composed of defunct satellites, rocket pieces, and the other random human junk we throw up there.

Scientists are scared that space junk will halt space exploration efforts by coating Earth in an impenetrable shield of junk orbiting faster than a bullet.

Robots have been proposed to collect space junk, but if we hit the point of no return before then it’ll be impossible to send anything out of Earth for possibly the next century.

Things That Will Cease To Exist If We Are Trapped By Junk:

  • Television
  • Google Maps
  • Instant communication in general
  • Earth Monitoring (Google Earth, meteorology, making sure everything looks right, tracking natural disasters)

In order to trap humanity on Earth and stagnate all space endeavors, we need to shoot stuff out of Earth at about 10 km/s.

But that isn’t the whole story, we also need to deal with air resistance, turbulent winds, and to avoid detection by authorities.

But first, we need a launcher.

Railguns Won’t Work

Railguns are electromagnetic weapons that accelerate shit at immense speeds.

A railgun is made of three parts:

  • The power supply
  • The two rails
  • The armature

A railgun is basically a large circuit. Electricity from the power supply runs up the positive rail and travels back down the negative rail, creating a magnetic field where the electricity is.

The magnetic force travels around the rails in a counterclockwise circle around the positive rail and a clockwise circle around the negative rail.

The force exerted on the projectile is called Lorentz force, which can be given by F = qE + qv × B2.

The armature is the thing that connects the circuit by bridging the two rails. The armature can be a conductive coating on the projectile or plasma.

In order to calculate the force for a railgun, you can use F = (i)(l)(b)3.

A railgun also must be able to support the massive amount of electricity required without melting the rails, having the rails split apart from the electromagnetic force. Most railguns can only fire once or twice before breaking down. The armature must also be capable of moving extremely fast without breaking under the force.

The Expensive Shopping List:

  • A bunch of capacitors that won’t explode
  • A pair of large superconductor rails
  • A bunch of support for the rails so that they don’t fly off.
  • A metal armature
  • A way to draw megajoules of electricity from the power grid
  • Some trash to shoot into LEO

After constructing your super-expensive railgun with a group of talented scientists and engineers, you’ll need to fire the junk so that it ends up flying parallel to Earth’s surface instead of crashing back down. This means that there’ll also be a massive projectile traveling across the horizon if the railgun doesn’t melt, explode, or break in some way or other.

Not only do you need megajoules of energy, but you’ll also need to outdo the Naval Surface Warfare Center by at least threefold.

Thus, a railgun is not the best way to go. (And no, coilguns aren’t even on the table anymore).

A Low-Tech Solution

Since railguns are dicks, we’ll need to find a better way to reach LEO.

Luckily, we have this awesome new revised plan:

All we need to do is construct a gigantic pipe in the ground, fill it with gas, pack it with tons of junk, and light it up, creating a large crater and sending tons of shit into space in a firey ball.

Depending on the lack of skill, a gigantic spray gun may accidentally arise instead, splattering molten metal shrapnel over a large area rather than making a bunch of trash reach LEO.

Fallback Methods


Plan F1: Get Engulfed by The Sun As It Becomes a Red Giant

I remember when I was watching Neil Degrasse Tyson talk about the Sun swallowing Earth when I was a little kid and I just lost my shit.

All you need to do is wait 7.59 billion years.

Plan F2: WWIII

This one is a lot more plausible than waiting for the Sun. Instead, we just have to wait for the day Kim Jong-un comes home extremely drunk and accidentally sits on the remote that launches all of North Korea’s nukes.

If WWIII breaks out, it’ll probably be nuclear.

Plan F3: A Time Traveler

This plan requires two parts.

  1. A time traveler
  2. Earth-destroying explosives

The time traveler will need to go to the beginning of Earth and destroy it using explosives.

Plan F4: Get Slapped By a Cosmic String, Swallowed By a Stable Wormhole, or Total Existence Failure

Just sit and hope that something extremely unlikely happens.

Luckily, we can already build machines that can theoretically make extremely unlikely things happen though wacky quantum physics. (You can read the whole post about it here).

Resources
https://www.futurity.org/lava-water-volcanoes-explosions-1928772/
https://volcanoes.usgs.gov/volcanoes/mount_rainier/hazard_summary.html
https://science.howstuffworks.com/rail-gun1.htm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cobalt-60