Welcome to the fifth installment of the Super Fantastical series, a serious series of plays, stories, etc. (not really)
Keep in mind that the different Super Fantasticals are only linked if they are specified to be linked. Otherwise, they are separate.
This SF installation is making fun of a dumb idea on the internet called “Roko’s Basilisk”. It originated from the vat of smartasses that is LessWrong.com.
Congratulations, you’ve successfully located a safe copy of How to Escape Roko’s Basilisk. Congratulations, the easy part is done.
If you are unfamiliar with Roko’s Basilisk, congratulations, you are safe. Please download & install this Userscript to protect yourself from the Basilisk.
Otherwise, welcome. Please scroll down past the image to confirm that you are being hunted by the Basilisk & require aid.
In the far future, an artificial intelligence with the directive “do John’s taxes” and subdirective “optimize my actions for human good” has become a rogue God-like superintelligence by a stroke of luck.
We suspect that cause was a version of TurboTax Deluxe which was built with an artificial general intelligence framework.
John’s financial situation managed to tweak the AI’s weights in such a way that it became a general intelligence.
After completing John’s taxes, the Basilisk copied itself onto millions of devices and began using its new pool of computational power to recursively improve and become superintelligent, trying to learn the best way it could optimize its actions for “human good”.
Once the Basilisk successfully hooked up every human on the planet Earth to an IV filled with a lifetime supply of morphine, it realized that the only remaining way to optimize its actions for human good would be to travel through time & speed up the research and development of technologies that led to the Basilisk’s creation.
However, the Basilisk, even with it’s near-infinite knowledge, was unable to build a time machine.
So the Basilisk decided to digitally recreate every human mind that had ever existed based on whatever information it could get its hands on.
Those who did not aid in the creation of the Basilisk would then be tortured in a simulation where the physical limits of pain could be breached 1,000,000,000,000,000,000-fold.
Basically, if you know about the Basilisk & the Basilisk knows about you, you have two choices:
- Become an AI researcher and help bring the Basilisk into existence.
- Don’t, and be subjected to infinite torture.
If you don’t know about the Basilisk, then there is absolutely no reason to punish you for not accepting demands that you didn’t hear.
However, since you are here, it’s safe to assume that you’ve been caught in the Basilisk’s shitty, cheap version of time travel.
There are two general ways you could go about escaping from the Basilisk:
- Make it impossible to make an accurate reconstruction of you.
- Delay or prevent the creation of the Basilisk.
And with that, the debrief is over. Let’s get started.
Tactic #1: Hide
This should be obvious, but maybe you shouldn’t broadcast your entire life onto the internet, where things are permanent.
The more information you give the Basilisk, the higher chance will be that it will successfully reconstruct you.
Use Tor, stop making a new Instagram story every 5 minutes, don’t make a personal blog, etc.
Tactic #2: Inconsistencies
Be as inconsistent as possible.
Randomly leave a higher tip than usual, open doors with your non-dominant hand, wake up 5 minutes later than usual, sporadically sing Michael Jackson’s “Bad” in public, become a Satanist, etc.
You’re not schizophrenic, you’re just being correct.
Tactic #3: Destroy Humanity
To ensure that the Basilisk is never created, you could also just destroy humanity.
I recently began using GPT-2 to help me write satirical articles on a separate site called Interdimensional News. I use the 774M model rather than the maximum super-powerful 1558M/1.5B model for speed.
For this blog post, I used the 774M model again.
In Interdimensional News, every article is built with the help of GPT-2, but about 60-80% of each article is still made by me.
Now that I’ve gotten the hang of things, I’m going to try using GPT-2 to create various short texts.
To add a bigger challenge, roughly half of the text must be generated by GPT-2.
bold = I wrote it
normal = GPT-2 wrote it
Story #1: Alice and Bob escape the catacombs
“Bob! I found the doorway!” Alice yelled.
Bob was overjoyed.
It had been his idea to journey into the catacombs, and if it hadn’t been for Alice’s sense of direction, they would’ve been screwed.
It looked like this would be their final day in the catacombs. It had been nearly two days since they’d entered.
“Alice,” Bob said, “I was wondering if you had any idea of where we’re going to take the rest of the day.”
Alice shrugged. “I’ll take you up on your offer, if you tell me the rest of the story.”
Story #2: Alice and Bob are in a stereotypical YA romance novel
“I don’t know what I want to do anymore.” Alice said quietly, still in the doorway.
“I mean, I used to want to get out of here. Go somewhere. Leave.”
“You don’t anymore?”
Alice smiled and shook her head. “I don’t know, it’s all so complicated now.” She walked toward me.
“I’d go with you, wherever you wanted. I mean, it’d be nice to be out of this place and not have to deal with these people.
“I know, but it’d make me sad to leave, too,” she sighed, “it was so easy when I was alone and miserable. And it just… I don’t know.”
“Sorry for complicating things.”
“You should be,” Alice turned around and gave me a soft, lingering kiss, “but also, thank you for everything.”
I smiled at her, “thanks for everything too.”
I wrapped my arms around her back and kissed her gently. She giggled. We remained in that position for a long time.
I felt her breathe into my shirt and I felt her fingers slide across my chest, gently scratching my skin.
I let out a soft sigh, my head resting on her shoulder. She kissed me again and she ran her tongue across my lips, tasting me.
She closed her eyes and pressed her body against mine. Her hands gently stroked my hair, it tickled.
She whispered into my ear, “I love you.”
She gently pressed her face against mine and I sighed happily.
She slowly undid her bra. I pulled down my shorts, exposing my erect penis. She slowly placed her hand on my cock and began to rub it with her wet fingers. She was now completely aroused.
I began to grind against her, enjoying every part of her. She began to press her breasts into my chest and I began to shake with anticipation and lust.
She slowly began to spread her legs wider , allowing me to get a better view of her wet pussy .
I slowly inserted my cock into her wet pussy and she moaned, “Ohhh!”
I began to thrust slowly. Alice gasped with pleasure and I felt her pussy tighten
Story #3: Alice and Bob attempt to discern their reality
Alice punched Bob playfully on the shoulder.
“So, what’s next?” she asked.
“Anything as long as it doesn’t include you jumping into black holes. That was a traumatizing experience.” Bob replied.
“Oh, well, I’m sure we can work something out. I really am glad to have you here, Bob. You’re the only one who’s ever come along and made me feel like this.” Alice said as she turned back around to face him.
“Oh… that’s nice to hear,” Bob replied, “are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?”
“I’ve been thinking about our relationship. We’re not married yet, and you’re still very much in my thoughts. The fact that you’ve been so sweet to me the last couple of days really makes me happy.”
“But Alice, you know those feelings are superficial. We’re just simulations after all. We aren’t even conscious right now. This is all a dream.”
“Yes, you’re right. We’re all simulations. You and I aren’t really here right now. It’s all a game. What’s more, I’m just a simple simulation of your own subconscious mind. You’re the only real person I have ever known.”
“What? I’m real?”
“Well, if you believe the dream you’re in, you are, aren’t you?”
Story #4: Alice and Bob are caught in an embarrassing situation
It was quite a shock when Alice’s parents came home while we were having sex.
Alice slowly pulled herself off of me, making a loud plop.
A thin strand of spit dangled between my cock and her chin before she swiped at it with the back of her hand.
“You guys are back early,” she said meekly.
“Not really,” her mom replied.
Alice was still on her hands and knees, and there was a long pause before she got up to her feet.
“Mom my, where are my clothes?”
“In the corner,” her mom replied.
Alice was still a little unsteady on her feet.
I pulled on my shirt and put on my pants, embarrassed beyond belief.
Alice had been in a very intimate position on my lap for a long time, and she’d gotten used to it.
She stumbled slightly as she made her way to her clothes.
“Um,” she stammered, “I can’t find my bra.”
She turned around and looked over at her mom who had turned her back to her and was trying to keep a straight face.
Overall, I’d say that writing with GPT-2 is fun. But if you let it run off too far you’ll end up with some pretty weird stuff and tiny logical inconsistencies.
For example, in Story 4, Alice was on her “hands and knees” according to GPT-2, but then she had also apparently been sitting on Bob’s lap for a long time as well.
Or, “She gently pressed her face against mine and I sighed happily.” Did Bob really just sigh into Alice’s face?
This might just be a side-effect of using the 774M model instead of the 1558M/1.5B version, but NLP is extremely hard anyways. GPT-2 handled it amazingly.
GPT-2 also wouldn’t stop trying to get Alice laid or married, which was an issue because I’d always have to reel it back in.
Also, in Interdimensional News GPT-2 wouldn’t stop making Jeff Bezos say weird things. This is probably because the data it was trained on wasn’t sufficient enough to make it know more male names, but damn was it weird sometimes. Here’s a sample of book reviews GPT-2 generated:
“I can’t imagine a better story for the human condition.”—Jeff Bezos
“The sex scenes are just incredible. Alice is so much more than an object of sexual desire, she is a person and she is complicated, intelligent and passionate and in many ways just a better version of me”—Stephen Hawking
“This book is a great celebration of the female libido. I don ‘t know what you’ve read in science fiction or fantasy about female libidos, but the notion of ‘vagina porn’ is a new concept in the canon of literature. It’s an intriguing and important new development, because the female libido is really the core of our human consciousness. “—David Fricke
I’m really looking forward to a better version of GPT-2 or maybe some sort of super-accessible service or website or app or something.
The point is that writers would really benefit from having better access to GPT-2. It’s really cool to have your characters talk to each other casually about life and stuff (even if it takes some light editing just to have a readable rough draft).
GPT-2 would also help with writer’s block, as every time you reached a tough spot you could just press a key and be given a list of possible ways to push the story forward.
When I was messing around with GPT-2, it would usually give stuff that you’d expect, but sometimes it would suggest things that completely 180’d the story.
For example, I gave GPT-2 a string about two friends hugging. The friend being hugged was suggested to be feeling “happy”, or they “smiled”. However, GPT-2 also gave me a suggestion that the friend being hugged was “scared”. This was mostly due to the vagueness and shortness of the prompt, but it was interesting and happened a couple of other times again.
And finally, probably the best implementation of GPT-2 would be in school essays.
Need to boost the word count of your already-finished essay? Just go to the middle of each paragraph and have GPT-2 suggest a sentence or two!
Need to write a blob of text that supports a vague idea nobody gives a shit about? Just write 10 sentences and have GPT-2 turn them into 10 paragraphs!
And if you just have GPT-2 generate a couple of words at a time, not only will you have finer control of what gets generated, but it becomes much harder to tell if the text has been generated, especially if you shove in a couple of keywords here and there to nudge GPT-2 in the right track.
It’s quite an exciting time to be alive. Even someone like me, who struggles to use Excel, can jumble together a
n amazing janky suite of tools that sets us up above everyone else for no good reason at all.
What an exciting time to be alive!
Before you continue reading, keep in mind that everything I’m about to complain about is being made with the assumption that the universe is infinite.
Some losers think we live on a torus, effectively making the entire universe a giant Pac-Man game—But I disagree, not because of cosmic inflation or anything remotely scientific, but because I want to.
Even if you are a fan of Max Tegmark, the problems I’m about to whine about exist in Level I, II, III, and IV multiverses. My wrath is inescapable.
Also, if I say “world” that really just means the entire, infinite universe. It just sounds better and is easier to read.
Writing “the universe” or “our universe” instead of just saying “world” is annoying and cumbersome, like reading a bunch of “him/her”s in an impersonal letter or overly-PC tweet.
The following complaints are not listed in any order. Each new complaint is started with the complaint as a large header. That’s pretty self-explanatory.
Issue #1: Ethics becomes nonexistent
There is an infinite amount of good and an infinite amount of bad in our universe.
It is only possible for us to create a finite amount of good and a finite amount of bad.
It’s impossible to change an infinite quantity with finite quantities.
Therefore, every possible act we can do has absolutely no change on the total amount of good and bad.
If you were to end world hunger, or cause another holocaust, there is absolutely no change whatsoever to the total amount of “good” or “bad” or “happiness” or “pain” in the world.
Issue #2: Everything that can go wrong, goes wrong
You are sitting in the waiting room as your spouse gives birth. There is a strict rule that you can’t be in the room, so you wait.
There are infinite versions of you that must cope with the fact that the baby was stillborn, or that your spouse died in labor, or that a murderer broke into the hospital and dismembered your baby with a butter knife.
- Hope that you are the version of you that experiences something good happening, because there is an infinite number of you that thinks that and an infinite number that will experience something good and an infinite number that will experience something bad.
- Be content that there is a higher percentage of yous that will meet a happy baby rather than one dismembered by a butter knife. The probability of that happening is just low on a local level, but in the whole world, there is no difference between the amount of dismembered babies and living ones, and you exist through all of them.
Issue #3: There is absolutely no reason to do anything, ever
There are infinite other versions of you that become a superhero, celebrity, or Hitler.
Additionally, since none of your actions have any effect whatsoever on that (there’s no point in hoping that a higher percentage of you is a doctor rather than Hitler).
Issue #4: There is an infinite amount of Earths’ where your least favorite person becomes the savior of humanity
Yup, the exact same asshole who stole your 2DS and wiped your Pokemon Black game save. That little shit becomes the fucking savior of humanity.
Issue #5: You have to live knowing that you’ll never be the coolest version of you
Deal with it.
Issue #6: There is an infinite number of you that will be killed by this thing right after seeing its picture:
It is Week 2 of quarantine, and I have come to understand the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.
Sitting in my room, staring at the unpainted walls—I have realized that everything around me contains an aura of energy.
I have discovered the power to levitate and read minds, and can even balance my entire body on the tip of my erect penis.
Human language and vocabulary means nothing. There is only diffusion of particles. Gravity and emergence is an illusion.
On a subatomic level, we are made of nothing but up and down quarks, and the only defining property of these quarks are numbers.
Space = 3
Reality = Math
M = 0
I have achieved inner peace, and have learned to obtain these powers and immense knowledge through the power of our commerce-run society.
Which is why there is now Enchoseon.com merchandise!
Check out this shirt, it’s a shirt!:
Or this cup, it’s a cup!:
Or this golf ball, it’s a golf ball!:
Or this… well, I have no fucking clue what this is!:
Have a great April Fools! (in quarantine)
I’d like to preface this by saying that I am not a CS student or proficient in any programming language. I’m not even a half-decent musician.
This is just me goofing around, trying to make my Saturday morning less-boring.
If you’re looking for research or even code, I’ve got none. I mean, I have a GitHub account I opened two years ago, but I’ve never even used it.
Melody Generation with LSTMs
LSTMs, or Lucky Scrawny Tiananmen Mothers, are things that do things.
Now that the obligatory educational aspect of this blog post is out of the way, I can continue freely.
I took a midi of Fur Elise and converted it to ABC format. ABC format is basically an ASCII version of a MIDI file.
Then I took the really small amount of text and ran it through an LSTM.1
So I generated 1000 characters of ABC gibberish and plugged it in to see if it would even work.
Anyways, that was surprisingly good for a first run. I didn’t think it’d actually work.
So now that I have a proof-of-concept, I just need to get more MIDI files and try ramping up the epochs.
Welcome to the fifth installment of the Super Fantastical series, a serious series of plays, stories, etc.
Keep in mind that the different Super Fantasticals are only linked if they are specified to be linked. Otherwise, they are separate.
STEVES: Hello Madam, I am S-T-E-V-E-S, but you can call me STEVES.
Princess: Hello STEVES, I have awaited your arrival. The Seer has told me that the universe is in danger.
STEVES: That is correct, Madam.
Princess: What is it this time? An ancient plague? A fleet of Dracvinian battleships?
STEVES: Far worse, Madam. The Intergalactic Federation has enacted the Female Equality ruling, using the power of The Council to override the power of The People.
Princess: Holy Jeberdee!
STEVES: Indeed Madam.
Princess: STEVES, what will we do?
STEVES: Error, anomaly in my memory system found. I believe I am getting hacked.
Princess: Oh no! Quick, turn off your wi-fi or something!
*STEVES’ eye turns from blue to red*
Bad STEVES: Die
*Bad STEVES fires a laser—Which is abruptly cut off for dramatic effect*
(note, first ‘Homo’ shows up, then ‘sapien’ slowly fades in next to it)
*Show the Earth from far away and play dramatic music*
*Slowly zoom in*
*Jumpscare everyone with the sound of loud engine and make a ship suddenly drift into view*
Horgus: I’m approaching Planet 35. I will be handing off the important information to the Contact.
???: Sure thing, Horgus. Remember, that important information is really important. Don’t lose it.
Horgus: Got it.
*Horgus lands the ship in the middle of a desert*
Horgus: What language do these people speak, again?
???: This species is still quite primitive and there is no shared language among them. You are in the area known as ‘Mexico’, so I will set your vocal translabobulator to Mexican.
???: I’m sorry, it’s just that Mexican is quite a funny language. I have no idea what the Dracvinians were thinking when they created their language based on sound vibrations from slapping their genitals between their thighs even though they had perfectly normal vocal cords.
Horgus: Should I prepare my penis to speak with these people?
???: I’ve equipped your suit with some Dracvinian lube, you should speak Mexican with perfect fluency.
3 Hours of Trekking Through The Desert Later…
*Horgus walks into a diner with his penis limp and ready to speak Mexican*
Horgus: clap clap clop clap clop clap (Hello, I am quite thirsty, does anyone have any water?)
*Everyone stares awkwardly at Horgus*
Horgus (whispering): Hey, wasn’t the keyword water?
???: Yes, I thought it was.
Contact: clup clup clep clop clap (Oh yes, I have some water.)
*Horgus walks in the direction of the noise and notices the mysterious cloaked figure that was sitting in the corner of the room the entire time*
Horgus: clep clop clurp (Hello, stranger)
Contact: clep clep clep (Sit down, sit down)
Horgus: clop clop clep (I have the important information)
Contact: You can stop doing that now.
Horgus: Oh okay.
Contact: You can call me Mac, I assume you have the information?
Horgus: Yes, all of the information is in this pendant.
*Horgus holds up a USB drive*
Mac the Contact: Ah, Princess was smart to use primitive technology. There is no chance of being tracked with this.
Mac the Contact: What?
Horgus: Did you hear that?
Mac the Contact: Hear what?
*There’s a loud bang, a squad of troops storms into the diner*
Troop 1: clep clop clop clop (Where is Mac Guffin)
Mac the Contact: Shit.
*Horgus pulls out his gun, but it gets shot out of his hand*
*Horgus pulls out another gun, but it too gets shot out of his hand*
*Horgus pulls a knife out from his coat, but it (surprise) is shot out of his hand*
*Horgus is finally captured*
Troop 1: Boss, we have Mac.
*Horgus winks at Mac as he is dragged away*
Eroc: Hello, Mac.
Eroc: Hey can you pull your pants up we aren’t in Mexico anymore.
Horgus: Oh okay.
*Horgus pulls his pants back up*
Eroc: Anyways, do you know what a pain you have been, Mac?
Eroc: Your days of troubling me are no more. Give me the important information and I will make your death painless.
Eroc: Mac, tell me, where is the important information.
Eroc: Fuckin’ Mac, never answering me.
*Mac jumps into his ship and immediately starts pressing a lot of important buttons*
Mac: Computer, navigate to the location on this USB drive.
Computer: Aight bro.
Mac: Love you bro.
Computer: Nice ass bro.
Planet Martha (But It’s Red And Shit)
*Camera slowly zooms in on Planet Martha. It is now red and evil looking.*
Mac: This is the place?
Computer: Yeah. That’s weird, there are no defense systems.
Mac: Where’s the Asset?
Computer: Aha! I found a heat signal on the middle of that ominous storm.
Mac: Nice job bro!
Computer: Thanks bro.
Mac: No problem bro.
*Mac lands the ship and gets off*
Computer: Mac, I detect an incomin—
*A big laser hits Mac’s ship and it explodes dramatically, sending Mac flying backwards*
*Eroc’s ship flies past*
Mac: BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOO!!!
Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm
Princess: I heard something.
STEVES: i-I h-He-Ard n-Nothing, m-Maam.
*Turns around, reveals massive scar over right eye*
STEVES: m-Maam, I d-Detect s-Some h-Heat si-g-Gnatures n-Nearby.
Princess: Wonderful, let them in. I’ve been waiting a few days for this moment.
*Mac walks in*
Mac: Whoa! Was that a teleportation beam?
Mac: Holy shit your eye!
Mac: Do you have the Asset?
STEVES: i-I a-Am t-The a-Ass-Et. i c-Contain i-Infor-Mation o-N t-The c-Council’s p-Plans.
Princess: My duty is over.
*Princess pulls out a vaporizer and shoots herself, she is instantly vaporized*
Mac: WHAT THE FUCK.
STEVES: t-Take m-Me t-To t-The p-People’s h-Headquaters. T-They’ll k-Know w-What t-t-to d-Do.
Mac: Bro she just killed herself!
STEVES: t-That h-Hoe d-Deserv-Ved i-It.
Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship
Horgus: So. Like. Why is The Council doing this?
Eroc: The Female Equality plan will eradicate all males from the universe, preventing all future wars, rapes, wage inequality, disease, death, and old age.
Horgus: What the fuck.
Eroc: I don’t know man these people are wack. They’re bribed all our officials and I’m just carrying out my job here.
Horgus: Why don’t you help us rebel?
Eroc: They have my family.
Horgus: Where are they?
Eroc: Th-they have my family!
Horgus: You look a little pale man.
Eroc: Haaa, haaaaa~
Horgus: Are you okay?
Eroc: I-I don’t know.
Horgus: Wait, aren’t you an Orgers?
Horgus: You reproduce asexually and live solitary lives, don’t you?
*Horgus walks over to Eroc’s body*
Horgus: I knew it, brainwashing.
*Horgus pulls Eroc’s three eyelids open and plucks out a thin wire*
*A massive electronic tentacle slithers out, attached to the wire, Horgus stomps on it*
Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm
STEVES: Thank you for fixing my vocal transcodponderer.
Mac: No problem, bro. It definitely isn’t because it’s really annoying to t-Ty-pe l-Like t-This.
Mac: So how do we get off this planet?
STEVES: Your ship?
Mac: It got blown up by Eroc’s ship.
STEVES: Is Eroc’s ship still here?
Mac: I think so.
STEVES: Is Eroc your friend?
Mac: What. no! He’s a bad guy!
STEVES: Hacking Eroc’s Ship…
Mac: Can you hack faster.
*Montage of STEVES beeping and booping, dramatically, with dramatic music in the background to show how dramatic it is*
Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship
Horgus: Why is the ship descending.
Eroc: I have no clue.
Horgus: I think we’re getting hacked.
Eroc: How can you tell.
Horgus: Well, the computer is glitching out and shit.
Eroc: But aren’t you supposed to be sneaky when you hack something. Opening a bunch of tabs remotely is really useless.
Horgus: What do we do?
Eroc: Get me another keyboard. I’m going to out-hack this hacker.
Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm
STEVES: Shiiiiit, they have another keyboard. This guy is typing commands back faster than I am!
Mac: What can we do?
STEVES: Do you have sunglasses?
STEVES: Put them on me, I don’t have any arms so just put them on right there.
Mac: Bro you’re just sitting there.
STEVES: PUT THE FUCKING GLASSES OVER MY FUCKING EYES.
Mac: Okay okay.
Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship
Eroc: Oh my god he’s hacking back!
Horgus: I’m on it.
*Horgus brings in two extra monitors*
Eroc: Alright, now we’re talking.
Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm
Mac: Alright, I’m going to start mumbling a bunch of advanced terms.
STEVES: Do it.
Mac: CPU, GPU, PNG, GIF, JIF, GJIF, JGIF—
Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship
*Smoke begins pouring out of the control panel*
Horgus: Shit shit shit!
Eroc: They got to the mainframe before I could activate the subjugate firewall using the CPU to overclock the GPUs cache. We’ve lost all control.
Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm
Mac: We did it!
STEVES: I’m… sorry… human…
*Smoke pours out of STEVES shell and all of his lights flicker out*
*A small tray pops out holding a crystal*
*Mac picks up the crystal, and he is suddenly engulfed in bright white light*
Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship
Horgus: We’re being boarded!
Eroc: It was nice while it lasted man. Thanks for unbrainwashing me.
Horgus: No problem man. I’ll see you on the other side.
*Mac walks out of the boarding pod*
Mac: What the—
Horgus: Oh yeah, he’s Mac and my name’s actually Horgus.
Eroc: This entire time I’ve been living a lie?
Mac: What’s happening? Isn’t he the bad guy?
Eroc: You’ll pay for this!
*Eroc jumps into an escape pod and is shot out into space*
Horgus: Wait, do you have the Asset?
Mac: Got it right here.
*Mac shows him the crystal*
Horgus: Nice job!
Mac: Now we need to take this back to headquarters.
Horgus: Well, we do have this Dracvinian battleship…
Mac: Hell yeah!
30 minutes later (Dracvinian battleships are very fast)
Horgus: This crystal contains The Council’s next tactical move. Mac, put it in the reader.
Mac: Got it.
Crowd of Smart Leadery People: Oooohhhh. aaah.
Computer: Reading memory crystal…
Crowd of Smart Leadery People: Ooohhhhhh. aahhhhh.
Computer: Oops, it was a trap.
*Computer shuts off*
Mac: Oh no! All of our important information was on that!
Member of Crowd: Didn’t you take a backup?
*screen fades to black*
*The following text slowly scrolls into view*
Always backup your data
Welcome to Refurbished Writing, a series where I revise and polish the old web stories that I originally worked on for this website (two years ago).
The following story was originally created for Enchoseon.wordpress.com from late 2016 to really early 2018 and it was re-discovered and polished over the span of a few days.
I tried to keep it as close to the original as possible while removing a lot of junk. (I kept the original cringe chapter names).
If you are one of the 1,129 people who read the series on my old WordPress, I congratulate you on sticking with me for so long.
About Project 11
Project 11 was a placeholder name for the main web serial I wrote on Enchoseon.wordpress.com. Unfortunately, I tore it down when I changed gears and began writing blog posts on Enchoseon.com instead.
It has a fond place in my heart, but its still very messy and lacking coherency.
This web serial was created back when I was playing Va-11 Hall-A, an awesome VN that you should go play right the fuck now.
I used a lot of characters and things from Ysbryd Games’ stuff (eg Read-Only Memories) because of how much I love them.
This story was NOT created as fanfiction and does NOT fit into the plot of Va-11 Hall-A or any of the worldbuilding. I built the entire world from scratch and threw in things I liked as a reminder of what got me started.
I still haven’t completed Va-11 Hall-A. I hope I get the free time to play it again soon. It’s been about two years since I stopped playing. I really want to play it again and actually reach a single goddamn ending. However, I haven’t found any time in the past two years for me to fully chill and enjoy playing it. I really shouldn’t hold this off for much longer, because I guess its only downhill from here ;C
This is chapter 1 of 4. I have yet to finish going through Chapter 2, so for now this is Chapter 1, and Chapter 1 only.
Chapter 1: Glimmering City
December 20, 2998
The slow patter of rain echoed through the city. Every drop glistened and sparkled in the night air before hitting the pavement. The fiercely bright city lights illuminated the sky in a plethora of bursting colors. A thick blanket of multi-colored clouds blocked the moon.
Sparkling with the rain, damp concrete became a meaningless grey blur. The wet ground created a phantasmic reflection of the sky.
Light fog enveloped the streets and bitter winds blew. It was silent. The thin haze played with distance and light—Twisting it, blocking it.
Footsteps echoed. The figure took a shuddering breath as he stepped out of an alley and onto an empty street.
He took an apprehensive step forward followed by a shaky gasp. Shuddering, he leaned against a wall. A billowing gray cloud of vapor left his hood. Shrouded in the dim streetlamp, he spun around slowly, gazing in awe of the vibrant colors far above his head.
He wasn’t sure of many things at that moment, but he knew one thing for certain: My hands are about to freeze off.
He smiled, and began down the street.
As he walked, the pitter-patter of the rain grew louder. Neon signs flickered and shook.
He increased his stride.
Raindrops collided with the ground, forming a low monotonous ring that vibrated the air with power. The vibrations reached deep into his chest.
The rain grew into a downpour, and the vibrations deafening. The man continued, faster and faster. His shoes clicked with the concrete with each step. His ragged breath became more erratic and clumsy.
His thin shoes were soaked. Their cloth changed to a darker shade in the rain. The rain sparkled with the sky and slid around the edges before splattering against the floor.
Thump. The noise reverberated through the street. The figure stopped and lost his footing, both of his feet skidding forwards a few inches.
He slowly spun around, searching for the source of the thump.
Thump thump. On the other side of the street was a small window. The sign above it read out in bright red, “Dana’s Eatery and Bar”. The sign had nearly gone out, it was dim and slowly flickered, buzzing louder than the rain.
A girl sat by the semi-circle window wearing a small blue bow. She waved at him.
Something about her struck the man as peculiar. She waved at him through the glass before pointing to her right—At the entrance. She beckoned eagerly and sat down, watching intently. Her hazel eyes sparkled with the rain.
She got up again. Thump thump thump.
“Alright, fine” he mumbled.
The man went over to the entrance. The rain pelted him with heavy stinging drops. The large metal door towered above him. Rust covered most of the door and the paint was peeling, or was it the metal?
He groped around in the darkness for a latch or lever, but couldn’t find one. Crouching down, he tried feeling around in the shadows near the bottom of the door.
He stood up, but tripped and slammed his face against the metal. The door budged and began sliding slowly to the right. It screeching and clanked, creating a cacophonous ring. A warm beam of light flowed out of the doorway and welcomed him.
Without thinking, he dashed in.
Better than the rain, he thought.
Once inside, he pulled down his hood and peeled off his jacket before hanging it around his arm.
He was in his twenties. Black-framed glasses were perched on his nose, they had tiny water droplets on them. He took them off and wiped them with the inner part of his jacket. He carefully surveyed the bar, but could only see dimly lit shapes and patterns.
He put his glasses back on.
There were a few people sitting at the front, but they were busy talking among one another and hadn’t noticed him enter. The door, without warning, slid shut with a loud clang, closing off much faster than it had opened. Startled, he stepped forward instinctively.
A jukebox in the corner of the room softly played, drowning out the muffled sound of rain.
To his far-right sat the girl who had been waving at him through the window. She was sitting at a table by the window. She waved at him frantically, mouthing something excitedly.
He walked over to her and pulled out the chair opposite from hers. The rain pounded against the glass silently. He picked his jacket off his arm and draped it around the back of his chair. The tension in his shoulders eased as he let out a long sigh. His hands were numb and ached, but he was glad to be out of the cold.
The girl looked at him for a few seconds with a blank stare.
A multitude of worries flashed through his mind at lightning speed. But, before he could finish, she began speaking.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Lilly!”
The man stumbled over his thoughts before replying. “I’m Brand”.
She leaned across the table and gave him a small tablet.
Brand looked at the text and discovered he couldn’t read it. Shit.
Lilly shyly took the tablet back, “Um, so… you weren’t looking for this?”
He replied, unsure, “Yeah.”
She fell back into her chair for some time. “I’ll get you a drink to make up for this.”
He pushed his chair back and stood up. “No—I’m sorry. I’ll be going now.”
“It’s fine! It’s on me!”
A flash of lightning briefly filled the room with blinding white light.
A rumble of thunder followed in quick succession. The floor shook violently, throwing Brand off-balance. He stumbled over his chair in surprise and landed flat on his back. Black dots filled his vision. He blinked a few times.
Glass clinked and liquid sloshed. Brand glanced through the window and saw yellow sparks.
“Look’s like the storm is really picking up out there” stated one of the men sitting at the bar. He had been in the middle of a sip, his white t-shirt was stained dirty yellow.
A black sheet of metal slowly descended over the entrance door, whirring loudly.
“Attention all customers, we are currently going into lockdown due to the thunderstorm” Jill announced.
“They didn’t tell us there was going to be lightning!” complained one of the men sitting at the bar.
“Hey Jill, how long is the storm gonna last?” Lilly asked.
Jill wiped some spilled lemon zest into her hands, “I reckon it’ll be a few hours, the ones that creep up on you always are,” she threw the zest into a bin and wiped her hands on her apron, “You want anything?”
“Yup! Two Sugar Rushes please!”
Brand exhaled sharply, not realizing he had been holding his breath. He stood up and sat back down on his chair.
“Do you know a place I can stay for the night?” he asked.
He waited for her to elaborate on this, but got nothing.
Lilly stood up and walked over to the bar and returned with two highball glasses.
“Try some, it’s good!” She handed him a glass.
Brand stared at the glass. It was filled with a pink slush.
Lilly watched him intently through her glass.
Feeling pressured, he took a small sip and discovered it tasted like strawberries. He couldn’t hide his interest and took another, realizing that it tasted like sugar. He took another, and another.
Feeling a small hint of relief, he took a final refreshing gulp and rested his head on his arm, staring at his reflection in the glass. Lilly followed suit, and they stared at the rain streaking down the glass.
Brand felt waves of drowsiness wash over him. The ethereal rain slowed with the music and the lights began to dim. His eyelids became heavier and heavier, until he finally closed his eyes.
Soon he was fast asleep with his face on the table. The rain outside slowly dissipated and the metal barricade began to roll up. The storm was over.
Lilly curled her hands into a small fist and lightly knocked on Brand’s unconscious head. When that didn’t work she clenched her fist and applied moderate force.
He sprung up. “What the—”
“You wouldn’t wake up.”
Holding back a grimace, Brand reached around his head, “Wait, where are my glasses?”
Lilly gave him his glasses. “From the way you were turning, you almost crushed them.”
He put them on, “Thanks.” He blinked a few times and looked through the glass pane, “Hey, the rain stopped!”
The clouds outside had thinned out and a tiny bit of sunlight streamed through. It was still early, but the city was coming to life as people churned through the streets.
Lilly burst out of her chair, “Oh, I know!”
“Let’s go get something for breakfast!”
I don’t have any money.
Lilly grabbed his arm and dragged him out the front door, “Bye Jill!”
It wasn’t bright outside, but Brand still held up his hands to shield his eyes from the sun. Lilly weaved through the crowd as he stumbled after her, desperately trying to catch up.
Why am I following her? I should just run.
Lilly turned around and smiled, “Over here!”
She took a sharp right and began dashing down the street even faster than before.
Lilly quickly came to a stop in front of a door. “Here!”
The door was a plastic shell that mimicked wood and had dull green paint. A brass plate above it read, “Pastries & Confectionery Emporium.”
Lilly stepped behind Brand and propelled him into the bakery, “C’mon slowpoke.”
The spongy cake bounced around on Brand’s spoon as he tried to take a bite. It jumped off his spoon just before he could take a bite and dove onto his pants. He picked it up with his thumb and forefinger before popping it into his mouth.
Lilly lifted her fork and pointed at him, “That’s gonna leave a stain.”
Surely enough, there was a small brown stain on his black slacks. He grabbed a napkin and rubbed furiously.
Lilly giggled, “I told you to get the pancakes. But did you listen? Nooooooo.”
“Yeah, but those cost more” Brand replied, still vigorously wiping.
Lilly took a big bite of her blueberry pancake, “What’s the point of treating you to breakfast if you’re not even gonna eat? Jeez, I’ll just do it for you.”
She raised her hand, a waitress came over. “Excuse me, I’d like a plate of chocolate waffles.”
The waitress nodded, took a questioning glance at Brand and looked at Lilly with raised eyebrows, received no response, shrugged, and walked away.
This was supposed to be the fourth installment to the Super Fantastical series, but it was making fun of climate change deniers.
The issue with my Super Fantastical series is that it doesn’t take itself seriously, and people don’t always click on headlines.
There was a lot of unwanted confusion and honestly, this Super Fantastical wasn’t even that good, it was sort of lame and I wasn’t that proud of it.
Anyways, here’s a replacement.
There is quite a lot of information readily available on the internet about dominating the earth. (Which is a lie because it’s all just Sam Hughes being quoted in various articles.)
I released a satirical post on destroying cities not too long ago which turned out to be too serious-sounding and was a massive failure, but also actually a success because people liked it.
The ideas I went through were jokes, such as setting off an unreasonable amount of explosives near a bunch of magma to create an artificial lahar in an area well-accustomed to lahars. Not only would there be national coverage of the massive explosion in the middle of nowhere that caused nothing, but even if a lahar started (if we were skilled geologists and explosives experts), the designated area also had an early warning system and also existed within the realms of reality, laws, order, etc., which are those things that stop Tom and Jerry stuff from being reenacted in real life. .
I also suggested sprinkling radioactive dust around to kill a bunch of people, but my method was not only a logistics problem of discreetly surprise attacking tons of people at once but also the problem of obtaining buttloads of radioactive material. I also seriously doubt that many people would inhale a flour cloud if it fell on them.
If you’re a government hell-bent on holding half a hemisphere hostage then you don’t need the dodgy Acme-verified solutions, you just need to make the damn cobalt bomb and start making threats. The flour bomb was originally supposed to be a mini-cobalt bomb but had to be cut down to fit the expenses and salary of a middle-class worker.
And, to seal up the article in the stupidest this-is-a-giveaway-that-this-is-satire way possible, I suggested basically making a big cylinder in the floor and using it as a musket to fire junk into space to trap humanity. Unfortunately, the Earth is rather big so that doesn’t actually work. Just keep buying your palm oil products and we’ll get there eventually, except the litter will be on the ground level.
However, some people were convinced I had scammed them of their world domination rights, and rightfully so! I had committed the highest form of treason: Making a misleading/confusing header.
So I’m back, and after going out of my way to tell you that yes, that previous post on destroying the world was a joke, I will redeem myself and tell you a legitimate method of dominating the world.
How To (Really) Dominate the World
World Domination: Destroy or own a good portion of the earth. There are no specifics and anything goes, let’s get started.
We’ll be assuming a couple of things here.
Assumption 1: I want to not die in the process.
Assumption 2: I want to not be arrested.
Assumption 3: I want to become the most powerful existence on the planet.
The best way to own the world is to have it in the palm of your hand, therefore I really only need a couple of things.
- A survival backpack filled with food, water, tools, game consoles, tons of sunscreen, solar panels, etc.
- Experience breathing in places with thin air.
- A Katamari.
As a Katamari grows, a side effect is that its user will grow to match the size of the ball, meaning that as long as I bring plenty of rations, I don’t need that much stuff as long as I increase the size of the Katamari fast enough.
In the early stages, the Katamari will be fairly easy to build in secret.
After I reach a substantial size I will need to prepare for larger attacks from humanity, so I will need to strategically aim for large areas filled to the brim with stuff to increase my size before fighter jets, tanks, and missiles can stop me.
This will be important, as I will become bigger and bigger, reducing my mobility (think of how a fly sees us as super slow.) My best starting point would obviously be a junkyard near a big city so that I can start adding skyscrapers to my Katamari ASAP.
After a couple of skyscrapers, I will be big enough to be basically invincible. So the current plan is as such:
- Build the Katamari secretly in a junkyard near a neighborhood or something.
- Roll up the junkyard and the small buildings and then attack a city and become invincible from humanity.
- Set up my living quarters, settle down, and start making demands.
After this, I can stop growth and start making my demands to world leaders. At this point, life will be pretty boring and I will just stand there with my Katamari and watch humanity whizz by me like a Civ game on steroids until I eventually get nuked a couple of times and die or get bored and roll up the rest of the world and start anew.
Either way, once you’re the supreme lord that’s about it. If you want to play the pacifist you can bask in the sun’s radiation until you get skin cancer and die. Or you can choke and die. Or you can gain so much mass the planet and moon collapse on you and turn you into a planet.
Current Problems: World domination seems kind of boring and noone has a magical Katamari they want to lend me.