There is quite a lot of information readily available on the internet about dominating the earth. (Which is a lie because it’s all just Sam Hughes being quoted in various articles.)
I released a satirical post on destroying cities not too long ago which turned out to be too serious-sounding and was a massive failure, but also actually a success because people liked it.
The ideas I went through were jokes, such as setting off an unreasonable amount of explosives near a bunch of magma to create an artificial lahar in an area well-accustomed to lahars. Not only would there be national coverage of the massive explosion in the middle of nowhere that caused nothing, but even if a lahar started (if we were skilled geologists and explosives experts), the designated area also had an early warning system and also existed within the realms of reality, laws, order, etc., which are those things that stop Tom and Jerry stuff from being reenacted in real life. .
I also suggested sprinkling radioactive dust around to kill a bunch of people, but my method was not only a logistics problem of discreetly surprise attacking tons of people at once but also the problem of obtaining buttloads of radioactive material. I also seriously doubt that many people would inhale a flour cloud if it fell on them.
If you’re a government hell-bent on holding half a hemisphere hostage then you don’t need the dodgy Acme-verified solutions, you just need to make the damn cobalt bomb and start making threats. The flour bomb was originally supposed to be a mini-cobalt bomb but had to be cut down to fit the expenses and salary of a middle-class worker.
And, to seal up the article in the stupidest this-is-a-giveaway-that-this-is-satire way possible, I suggested basically making a big cylinder in the floor and using it as a musket to fire junk into space to trap humanity. Unfortunately, the Earth is rather big so that doesn’t actually work. Just keep buying your palm oil products and we’ll get there eventually, except the litter will be on the ground level.
However, some people were convinced I had scammed them of their world domination rights, and rightfully so! I had committed the highest form of treason: Making a misleading/confusing header.
So I’m back, and after going out of my way to tell you that yes, that previous post on destroying the world was a joke, I will redeem myself and tell you a legitimate method of dominating the world.
How To (Really) Dominate the World
World Domination: Destroy or own a good portion of the earth. There are no specifics and anything goes, let’s get started.
We’ll be assuming a couple of things here.
Assumption 1: I want to not die in the process.
Assumption 2: I want to not be arrested.
Assumption 3: I want to become the most powerful existence on the planet.
The best way to own the world is to have it in the palm of your hand, therefore I really only need a couple of things.
- A survival backpack filled with food, water, tools, game consoles, tons of sunscreen, solar panels, etc.
- Experience breathing in places with thin air.
- A Katamari.
As a Katamari grows, a side effect is that its user will grow to match the size of the ball, meaning that as long as I bring plenty of rations, I don’t need that much stuff as long as I increase the size of the Katamari fast enough.
In the early stages, the Katamari will be fairly easy to build in secret.
After I reach a substantial size I will need to prepare for larger attacks from humanity, so I will need to strategically aim for large areas filled to the brim with stuff to increase my size before fighter jets, tanks, and missiles can stop me.
This will be important, as I will become bigger and bigger, reducing my mobility (think of how a fly sees us as super slow.) My best starting point would obviously be a junkyard near a big city so that I can start adding skyscrapers to my Katamari ASAP.
After a couple of skyscrapers, I will be big enough to be basically invincible. So the current plan is as such:
- Build the Katamari secretly in a junkyard near a neighborhood or something.
- Roll up the junkyard and the small buildings and then attack a city and become invincible from humanity.
- Set up my living quarters, settle down, and start making demands.
After this, I can stop growth and start making my demands to world leaders. At this point, life will be pretty boring and I will just stand there with my Katamari and watch humanity whizz by me like a Civ game on steroids until I eventually get nuked a couple of times and die or get bored and roll up the rest of the world and start anew.
Either way, once you’re the supreme lord that’s about it. If you want to play the pacifist you can bask in the sun’s radiation until you get skin cancer and die. Or you can choke and die. Or you can gain so much mass the planet and moon collapse on you and turn you into a planet.
Current Problems: World domination seems kind of boring and noone has a magical Katamari they want to lend me.