I Didn’t/Won’t See His Majesty Jeff Zentner

I screwed around with Jeff many months back by getting everyone to send him endless spam until he responded to my original email, citing the spam as the reason he was so slow in responding. I ended up revising the whole post after he responded; and in retrospect, what I did was counterintuitive and possibly some form of harassment.

While I don’t always spend my time delaying the release of books that are destined to be extremely popular that spread like wildfire through the ‘I am I hip ELA teacher’ vine, being an annoyance to Jeff is still extremely high on my list of things to do, as SERP juice is extremely hard to get and I need to tap into the goldmine that is Jeff Zentner before summer, as that’s when the search volume for ‘The Serpent King Summary Jeff Zentner’ overflows the banks of Google, allowing me to blissfully hope that my shabby Ndotsheni far past the river will actually benefit from the surplus.

“I would take The First Time She Drowned over any of Jeff Zentner’s books”
—The ELA teacher that assigned The Serpent King as a summer project that got me interested in Zentner in the first place.

So when I got the news that Jeff was coming to my school, my brain went into complete chaos.

  1. I was not aware that I was harassing a guy who can afford to fly a plane over to my school on a regular year-by-year basis. 1
  2. I was not aware that I was harassing a guy who flies on a plane over to my school on a regular year-by-year basis.
  3. I was not aware that I was harassing a guy with many ties to other extremely good authors, some of whom as not as wealthy or willing but just as cool and well-off enough to hire a hitman if they pool their money together under the direction of Jeff.

I decided not to go to the talk and to let my dreams die in the part of my heart that is accustomed to such self-loathing.

I’m not entirely sure why. I picked up the sign up paper, tore it in half, and threw it in the trash.

I wasn’t feeling any emotions or any desires at that moment, I just knew that if I didn’t restrain myself, I would end up happily listening to a bunch of extremely successful people getting asked extremely stupid questions for 3 hours straight.

Later, when the deadline passed, it dawned on me that I missed the only chance in my life to see Jeff and say, “you don’t know me or remember me, but I use you as the butt of my jokes.”

Damnit. I blame Jeff, by the way.

The Day of The Talk

I was instantly reminded of Jeff when I walked into my first period and everyone was missing.

However, the best part of Jeff’s visit was his Instagram post thanking one of the ELA teachers for inviting him. Of course, it wasn’t my ELA teacher, and he didn’t even tag the teacher in his post, he just mentioned her name.

I just thought that was funny.

Anyways, I also made a comment on one of his Instagram posts two weeks prior to thank him for coming to my school because I thought he was coming the next Monday, but I was off by an fucking month.

I also know that Jeff does guitar, so I’m thinking about emailing him again to ask him to create a tiny dataset for a thing I’m thinking about, so maybe that’ll happen(?)

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