Prepubescent Phases of Pain and Crying and Screaming and Torture

The high school years are apparently the best times of a human’s lifetime. You can do basically whatever you want and lock it behind you in a protective bubble of humiliation later.

However, the largest reason high school is supposedly awesome is that you can make friends. Ew. Social circle. Ew. Life. Ew.

I’m not a pessimistic ass all of the time, I’m just not a people-person, which just means I’m a pessimistic ass whenever people are nearby.

Not interacting often gives me the sort of joy that can only arise from observing the cringey and disturbing human pupae.

I still haven’t undergone the entire hell that is high school, but I’d like to compile my experiences into a post before I go so insane that I lose the ability to write.

Lyrical Claptrap1

I remembered that I had some cringey poems I wrote in 7th grade and I tried to find them so that I could share them here, but I couldn’t find them, so I found someone else’s poem instead.

Feelings don’t change,
they leave

– A smug Instagram schmuck

Lyrical claptrap only sounds good to the person writing it. It’s brought by random emotional feelies hitting people with poor coping mechanisms because their coping mechanism is to puke their shitty feelings onto their phones in the middle of the night so that they can share it the same way a first grader shows off their unsanitary macaroni art.

Harambe we love you

– Elon Musk’s Soundcloud

When I was into lyrical claptrap I was also a logophile. I spent my 7th-grade lunches reading my pocket dictionary during lunch and I didn’t actually write too much.

Pictures

Taking pictures of yourself is a stupid idea.

It’s like taking a picture of a chicken being chopped in half and then hanging up that picture at the dinner table.

Selfies are annoying to everyone trying to walk around you, and I also don’t understand the fucking deal with taking pictures of yourself through a mirror.

Social Obsession

Contrary to idiotic belief, people are not constantly studying you.

A large majority of people fit into some stereotype or other, with ‘quirky’ and ‘mod’ being primarily dominant.2

I live with a fake-it-till-you-make-it mindset. I don’t know sports, celebrities, movies, bands, rappers, or other important aspects of current pop culture.

However, it seems that everyone likes the same shit rap music and that all of the ‘I’m searching for individuality’ bullshit that is supposed to be happening in great big America is nonexistent.

We are all vastly the same when it comes to how we portray ourselves.

Social obsession takes the form of social media, clothing, and any other way a person lets the outside world know that they are a thing that exists.

But nobody really cares that you are a thing that exists. We’re too busy with our own lives to care about yours, so just take care of what matters when it matters.

Changing ‘Style’

Changing style is just fucking weird.

Perfectly normal introverts suddenly become ‘adventurous’ by wearing lipstick that looks like a Smurf came in their mouth.

Dyeing hair also makes no fucking sense. I’ve never looked at someone who dyed their hair and thought, ‘wow, that person was tolerable before, but now they’re just, cool.’

Suddenly changing style doesn’t fit everyone.

Terrifying Transformations I’ve Experienced:

  • Smart, likeable, handsome, and overall great role-model guy stops wearing glasses over Spring break. Freaks me out.
  • Normal person begins wearing vans and playing ukelele. Makes me feel sad.
  • Fuckboy forgets what a t-shirt is. Makes me cringe.
  • A different fuckboy doing a mirror selfie while holding their crotch area. I nearly cringe to death.

*Fuckboys in general are cringey.

I’m A _____

Being in California, I’m used to seeing Firewatch shit happen in the town over and people switching the gender they identify as four times a week.

None of that bothers me.

What does bother me is people calling themselves things they are 100% not.

Here’s a sample:

“When you clean your room/studio AND find your selfie stick 📸”

Congrats, you rich little shit, but just because you’re rich enough to store a bunch of cool shit in your room doesn’t make it a studio. Most of my room is actually empty space that I never let anyone know that I have. I just store all of the coolest shit that I’ve accumulated over the years at my desk so that I feel semi-rich at the expense of having a room where everything is placed in one corner.

Here’s another sample:

Since 2004
Artist, Animator, Voice actor, Writer…

The ellipses were not added by me. Apparently, this person is even more interesting and quirky and fun than what the list implies.

Personally, I identify as a blogger, but sometimes I feel quirky so I call myself a ‘writer’. And if I’m having a big mood I’ll say that I operate a content website.