The Simulation Patch Notes
Updates on The Simulation, focusing mainly on the solar system around star Sol in the time axis at 4.5 billion Earth years.
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Update: July 2019 - 184.108.40.2069
- No, Samantha, if I got rid of all of the centipedes and earwigs there would be less stuff for me to torment you with.
- Underlying fabric of reality updated to fix some shading bugs with black holes.
Update: March 2019 - 220.127.116.119
- Planted more dinosaur bones to confuse more scientists.
- Super secret emotion update. First reported by human Seth Everman on social platform Twitter.
- The best video game of all time, Minecraft, receives Best Game in The Universe reward. Unfortunately, Phil told me that giving out such rewards breaks human's delusionary views of reality so we couldn't actually tell anyone about the reward.
- All buildings that are under-construction will no longer have any infinity-frames.
Update: March 2018 - 18.104.22.1688
- Notorious bug that resulted in Easter Island heads coming to life and eating people fixed (probably).
- Eyelash things become a thing after humans with high Bad Taste stats recommend 'Cat Eyes' and 'Magnetic Lashes'. After many violent incidents from 'Hot Glue Eyelashes', devs reversed time and preemptively deleted the human who created the phenomenon.
- Fortnite dances become the top 4 Google searches for GIFs after bug in 5-year-old's made a boom in the game's popularity. Other games are in the works to combat Fortnite and reduce its popularity. The most promising game so far is codenamed 'A-Legends' and will release soon.
- The immortality script on Stan Lee crashed when our computing system suddenly restarted to install updates. We're sorry.
Update: May 2017 - 22.214.171.1247
- Autonomous mass-killing bots are now more likely to result in omnicide of the human race.
- France bans too thin fashion models in effort to rally against The Simulation's bias for cute sexy things. Don't worry France, your time will come eventually.
- Global Warming results in some glaciers in Montana, US, Earth receding by 85% over the past 50 years. We released a hoarde of human NPCs with high levels of Stupidity to spread misinformation to prevent humans finding more unbalanced areas of The Simulation. If all else fails, we can just vaporize reality and start anew.
- Balancing error in teenage girls results in BTS group becoming first Kpop group to win Billboard Award.
- Phil thought it would be funny to screw with the YouTube algorithm again, resulting in a massive upsurge in How to Make Slime videos and whatnot. Fuck you Phil.
Update: October 2016 - 126.96.36.1996
- People with more stuff are more likely to get robbed (eg: Kim Kardashian carrying $10 million worth of jewelry and being robbed). This was a bug because the algorithm had no limiting factor on it and the Chance of Theft Percentage grew exponentially after about $5 million dollars. This has been fixed.
- Humans still won't shut up about the election. Rebalancing of Google indexing algorithm did not help.
- Samsung announces a permanent end to Note 7 phones after a mini black-hole in their South Korean factory shorted the batteries.
- James Charles, human celebrity, becomes first male face of CoverGirl.
- FCC Net Neutrality repeal bug results in multinational conglomerate American Telephone and Telegraph Company's absorption of Time Warner. Devs expect more underhanded and secretive merges in the coming years. Divergence is now 0.9849%, which will most likely enter Beta Worldline and cause massive rise in telecommunications prices.
Update: April 2016 - 188.8.131.526
- Alternate realities collide during file transfer, smashing current worldline with one inhabited by long wiggly worms. Results in popular game Slither.io
- PayPal cancels $3.6 million investment in North Carolina, United States, Earth after reptile-people posing as human leaders pass anti-gay legislation.
- 'Taco Diet' returns after bugged humans with high Stupidity and Overeating stats created the phenomenon in 2015. Stupidity appears to be infectious.
Update: December 2015 - 184.108.40.2065
- Changed universal computing provider from Amalgamated Hosting to Telepathic Hosting. Should experience faster loading times.
- Humanity-destroying supervolcano eruptions are now 11% more likely to happen.
Update: October 2014 - 220.127.116.114
- Updated geese AI to be more terrifying.
- Japan's Kyun Kyun Moe levels have been increased to nerf post-WWII economy stagnation bug.
- Memory leaks should no longer result in people being sucked out of reality and dispersed across spacetime. All corrupt data will be instantly erased from the fabric of reality.
Update: August 2014 - 18.104.22.1684
- Made the Steins;Gate 30% harder to achieve.
- Toddlers are now more annoying in crowded spaces.
- Added more death camps to North Korea.
Update: November 2013 - 22.214.171.1243
- Walmart floor textures are no longer generated upon each load.
- Updated USBs to stay in a state of superposition until at least 2 flips have been made.
Update: June 2012 - 126.96.36.1992
- Early warning systems detected that humans would uncover The Simulation by the year 2019. Entities are now unable to analyze or detect the physical substrate of The Simulation via OS files. The Simulation is now completely substrate independent and runs on universal computers.
Update: September 2011 - 188.8.131.521
- Tsunami created by undersea megathrust Honshu earthquake obliterates houses and people, and causing $199 billion dollars of damage. For the record, this was Phil's fault because he's the one who manages Japan.
Update: January 2010 - 184.108.40.2060
- The Simulation now runs at 69% speed while maintaining previous timespace:timeperception ratio to allow for more realities to be run at simultaneously.
- World War III DLC requested by USA, Russia, and North Korea now underway.
Are you legit?
The font is hard to read
Yes, 'Devs' looks like 'Deus' on this webpage. Such are the limitations of the English language. We would've hosted this site on telekinesis to conserve bandwidth, but the only language supported is LOAF (The Language of All Reality), which we're not allowed to use on lower-ranked entities like you humans.
Nerf Depression, Poverty, Anxiety, Etc.
Neat of you to summarize every mental illness as 'Etc.' and even better that you think you can command a supreme being that controls all of reality with your rude email, noob.
Console: Entity#102943683921861869276938 Deleted from Reality
Can I submit an update?
We make tons of updates to the fabric of reality and not all of them make it to this log. If you find a neat update you want logged, send an email to Neotheamazingdude[at]enchoseon.com and we'll confirm its legitimacy before putting it up.
Give me a million dollars
Okay, look. Humans are unhappy because of their inability to sit down, chill, and find happiness in that. All you damn humans just sit there anxiously wondering what to do with your life (possible bug). Moving around pieces of money (which, in this time axis, are now just arbitrary numbers on a screen) will not help because the arbitrary number isn't unhappy, you are. Use your damn brain, human. We gave you that shit for a reason.
Okay then give my friend a million dollars
Console: Entity#102943683921869283678298 Deleted from Reality
How do I escape The Simulation?
First you REDACTED FOR ILLEGAL USE OF LOAF and then REDACTED FOR VIOLATION OF INTER-CONSCIOUS INFORMATION TRAVEL IN LESSER BEINGS. Eventually, you should find yourself removed from the fabric of reality and forever stuck in limbo. This will not actually be forever, but the mass and gravitational pull of the Kerr black hole will result in your data to be strung out into a noodle that circles around the black hole infinitely.
This site is created by Encho from Enchoseon.com
The font used is / 000webfont, which was created by Aaron D. Chand.