Summer Sucks Buttholes

Summer is, inarguably, the worst time of the year for me.

All the bullshit that fucks with me for the rest of the year goes down in summer, and there is always more than one thing waiting to fuck with me.

Some aspects are consistent and predictable, I always never prepare for summer and end up wallowing in a pit of self-loathing when I realize that I have no skills or hobbies, so I usually try to pick at something that I tried to pick at the previous summer.

I’ve been through many summer-hobby/passion-hunts before, cycling through electronic boards, parkour (yes, now stop laughing), music, and planning where I’d like to travel abroad and then hating myself endlessly for not being able to speak English very well, let alone another language (I can’t articulate sounds very well).

Recently I’ve been unanimously and unwillingly appointed as the operator of a Minecraft server. Minecraft 1.14+ is pure hell to work with on the server-side. I spent the first week of my break sitting at my computer, moving files and typing lines of special rules and waiting for Filezilla to upload the files.

I’m already struggling to host this server, so no part of me is willing to donate money to a goddamn Minecraft server just because my ignorant friends do not see the absolute pain and torture I endure.

So yeah, I quit Minecraft server-ing.

So now I have a lot more time on my hands, but my new problem is equally predictable as it is bad.

My parents now believe that I go into my room to use my computer and that I use my computer endlessly and that I play games on my computer endlessly in my room and have no care for myself and that they need to take action because they believe that the only reason I stay in my room is to stay on my computer and play games.

My computer crashes randomly when I use Google Chrome, and even though I am the sort of guy who opens up so many tabs that they no longer look like tabs, Chrome just crashes when I have 1 tab open with no other background apps. My computer is really just a potato in disguise.

Self-loathing has a strong effect, pushing me to do things that are originally healthy and useful before becoming obsessive and unhealthy. “Argh I hate my room’s organization” turns into “I will spend the next couple of days switching between these two chairs for some reason” and then “I will reorganize all of these things that I never use inside of this school folder that I also never use for the next 3 hours” and then “Let me check the Minecraft server, oh great it crashed there goes the next two days of my break and overall life.”

So my current passion-hunt is with music (once again), and I have been fighting for this since last year with my parents, and I managed to score a keyboard in my room, raising my overall self-esteem about my room.

However, working on my current work-area is a last-minute slapped-together hell and I’m still going through a plethora of other problems just to get my mom to not move my keyboard around in my room like it’s a piece of furniture that can be placed anywhere she wants. My mom is a major control freak, even over things that she has no control over or things that she is not entitled to have totalitarian control.

But these, I assume, are regular teenager problems that just piled on top of me due to my own apathy to act on them throughout the school year.

I’ve got 99+ problems and there are more to come. This post was made mostly to remind you that I’m still alive and also to tell you that Enchoseon has a high chance of shutting down forever due to money problems.

Ciao and I’ll hopefully see you soon.

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