Super Fantastical #2: How To Be Authentic (wikiHow)

Welcome to the second installment of the Super Fantastical series, a serious series of plays, stories, etc.

Keep in mind that the different Super Fantasticals are only linked if they are specified to be linked. Otherwise, they are separate stories.

Something I would like to get out of the way is that these articles are not serious in any way and are only meant to be a way for me to vent out my extreme teenage sarcasm, which should disappear when I mature into a handsome likable adult version of me.

I spent some time trying to format this page to look more like a wikiHow page but it didn’t turn out very good.


How To Be Authentic


Related imageCo-authored by Fiddly McDinkles, ABC
Updated: 1.25336437357743574 seconds ago

 


Authenticity is a sought-after trait in a person that is commonly used to describe dreamy friendships that do not exist. Unreliability is usually described as acting differently for each occasion. Therefore an authentic person will act the same way in a courtroom, in a restaurant, funeral, birthday party, marriage, etc. Experts in philosophy or English teachers usually describe authenticity as the constant expression of consistent core values. Unfortunately, these explanations usually only reach the ears of annoying high schoolers that have no clue what their core values are.

Part 1: Starting Up

 

1

Accept yourself. Be ready to endure the highest level of excruciating pain when you realize that you are a husk with no personality or meaningful goals. Realize that you are not a unique individual and will be seen by your superiors as expendable.

  • This also means accepting your unique flaws. After realizing your flaws, be sure to only call them ‘quirks’ in public.

2

Do not delude yourself. You will no doubt have many doubts after realizing your worthlessness in this horrible, impossibly cruel, and shitty world. This will result in your self-esteem becoming more realistic, which will probably lower than you thought it would be.

  • If you feel like your self-esteem is low, be sure that it is realistic, because it might actually need to be lower.
  • If you feel like your self-esteem is fine, be sure that you aren’t just being apathetic. If you legitimately feel that your self-esteem is high, be sure to shut the fuck up about the topic when with others because you are too privileged to do so.

3

Pretend to have personal beliefs and values. You will need to convince people that you have a moral compass that cleanly guides you through your life.

  • Avoid contradicting your imaginary personal beliefs to increase the authenticity people feel around you.
  • Be a weirdo and break conformity in order to make it clear that you are a person that follows their beliefs.
  • Pretend to be fulfilled and happy, this will make people think that you are happy because you are authentic.
  • Get into hobbies or volunteer work to make it seem like you are doing fulfilling work. (Of course, you don’t actually have to do them, you just need to tell people you do them.)
Part 2: Reaping the Benefits

1

Force people to have your beliefs. Command a legion of followers that will do what you say because they believe it will make them fulfilled. Tell them to do things you want them to do and tell them your intuition is telling you.

  • Do not give your followers a chance to break free, destroy all of their external relationships, hobbies, family bonds, etc.
  • Lead them in by lightly suggesting things like, “don’t drink alcohol.” Then sprinkle in your own commands after gaining more trust.

2

Enjoy. You now have a supply of trusting followers, which means that you have influence, trust, money, and all of the things ‘good’ leaders are supposed to have.

  • You are now free to destroy other people’s lives and benefit with the overflow of desperate, ruined people at your doorstep.
  • You will be able to drop the act and sadistically watch your legion of minions fall down to your level and become sobbing worthless trash.
  • Your work complete, you can sit back and relax knowing that you’ve been able to stop some of the evil on this planet, even if by only a little.
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