Super Fantastical #5: S.T.E.V.E.S

Welcome to the fifth installment of the Super Fantastical series, a serious series of plays, stories, etc.

Keep in mind that the different Super Fantasticals are only linked if they are specified to be linked. Otherwise, they are separate.


Planet Martha

STEVES: Hello Madam, I am S-T-E-V-E-S, but you can call me STEVES.

Princess: Hello STEVES, I have awaited your arrival. The Seer has told me that the universe is in danger.

STEVES: That is correct, Madam.

Princess: What is it this time? An ancient plague? A fleet of Dracvinian battleships?

STEVES: Far worse, Madam. The Intergalactic Federation has enacted the Female Equality ruling, using the power of The Council to override the power of The People.

Princess: Holy Jeberdee!

STEVES: Indeed Madam.

Princess: STEVES, what will we do?

STEVES: Error, anomaly in my memory system found. I believe I am getting hacked.

Princess: Oh no! Quick, turn off your wi-fi or something!

*STEVES’ eye turns from blue to red*

Bad STEVES: Die

*Bad STEVES fires a laser—Which is abruptly cut off for dramatic effect*

Planet Homo(sapien)

(note, first ‘Homo’ shows up, then ‘sapien’ slowly fades in next to it)

*Show the Earth from far away and play dramatic music*

*Slowly zoom in*

*Slowly*

*Slower*

*Jumpscare everyone with the sound of loud engine and make a ship suddenly drift into view*

Horgus: I’m approaching Planet 35. I will be handing off the important information to the Contact.

???: Sure thing, Horgus. Remember, that important information is really important. Don’t lose it.

Horgus: Got it.

*Horgus lands the ship in the middle of a desert*

Horgus: What language do these people speak, again?

???: This species is still quite primitive and there is no shared language among them. You are in the area known as ‘Mexico’, so I will set your vocal translabobulator to Mexican.

Horgus: Thanks.

???: Haha.

Horgus: What?

???: I’m sorry, it’s just that Mexican is quite a funny language. I have no idea what the Dracvinians were thinking when they created their language based on sound vibrations from slapping their genitals between their thighs even though they had perfectly normal vocal cords.

Horgus: Should I prepare my penis to speak with these people?

???: I’ve equipped your suit with some Dracvinian lube, you should speak Mexican with perfect fluency.

3 Hours of Trekking Through The Desert Later…

*Horgus walks into a diner with his penis limp and ready to speak Mexican*

Horgus: clap clap clop clap clop clap (Hello, I am quite thirsty, does anyone have any water?)

*Everyone stares awkwardly at Horgus*

Horgus (whispering): Hey, wasn’t the keyword water?

???: Yes, I thought it was.

Contact: clup clup clep clop clap (Oh yes, I have some water.)

*Horgus walks in the direction of the noise and notices the mysterious cloaked figure that was sitting in the corner of the room the entire time*

Horgus: clep clop clurp (Hello, stranger)

Contact: clep clep clep (Sit down, sit down)

Horgus: clop clop clep (I have the important information)

Contact: You can stop doing that now.

Horgus: Oh okay.

Contact: You can call me Mac, I assume you have the information?

Horgus: Yes, all of the information is in this pendant.

*Horgus holds up a USB drive*

Mac the Contact: Ah, Princess was smart to use primitive technology. There is no chance of being tracked with this.

Horgus: Wait.

Mac the Contact: What?

Horgus: Did you hear that?

Mac the Contact: Hear what?

*There’s a loud bang, a squad of troops storms into the diner*

Troop 1: clep clop clop clop (Where is Mac Guffin)

Mac the Contact: Shit.

*Horgus pulls out his gun, but it gets shot out of his hand*

*Horgus pulls out another gun, but it too gets shot out of his hand*

*Horgus pulls a knife out from his coat, but it (surprise) is shot out of his hand*

*Horgus is finally captured*

Troop 1: Boss, we have Mac.

*Horgus winks at Mac as he is dragged away*

Eroc’s Battleship

Eroc: Hello, Mac.

Horgus: Hi.

Eroc: Hey can you pull your pants up we aren’t in Mexico anymore.

Horgus: Oh okay.

*Horgus pulls his pants back up*

Eroc: Anyways, do you know what a pain you have been, Mac?

Horgus: Uhhhh

Eroc: Your days of troubling me are no more. Give me the important information and I will make your death painless.

Horgus: Uhhhh

Eroc: Mac, tell me, where is the important information.

Horgus: Uhhhh

Eroc: Fuckin’ Mac, never answering me.

Horgus: Uhhhh

Mac’s Ship

*Mac jumps into his ship and immediately starts pressing a lot of important buttons*

Mac: Computer, navigate to the location on this USB drive.

Computer: Aight bro.

Mac: Love you bro.

Computer: Nice ass bro.

Mac: Broooo.

Computer: Brooooooooooo.

Planet Martha (But It’s Red And Shit)

*Camera slowly zooms in on Planet Martha. It is now red and evil looking.*

Mac: This is the place?

Computer: Yeah. That’s weird, there are no defense systems.

Mac: Where’s the Asset?

Computer: Aha! I found a heat signal on the middle of that ominous storm.

Mac: Nice job bro!

Computer: Thanks bro.

Mac: No problem bro.

*Mac lands the ship and gets off*

Computer: Mac, I detect an incomin—

*A big laser hits Mac’s ship and it explodes dramatically, sending Mac flying backwards*

*Eroc’s ship flies past*

Mac: BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOO!!!

Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm

Princess: I heard something.

STEVES: i-I h-He-Ard n-Nothing, m-Maam.

*Turns around, reveals massive scar over right eye*

STEVES: m-Maam, I d-Detect s-Some h-Heat si-g-Gnatures n-Nearby.

Princess: Wonderful, let them in. I’ve been waiting a few days for this moment.

*Mac walks in*

Mac: Whoa! Was that a teleportation beam?

Princess: Yes.

Mac: Holy shit your eye!

Princess: Yes.

Mac: Do you have the Asset?

Princess: Yes.

STEVES: i-I a-Am t-The a-Ass-Et. i c-Contain i-Infor-Mation o-N t-The c-Council’s p-Plans.

Mac: Cool!

Princess: My duty is over.

*Princess pulls out a vaporizer and shoots herself, she is instantly vaporized*

Mac: WHAT THE FUCK.

STEVES: t-Take m-Me t-To t-The p-People’s h-Headquaters. T-They’ll k-Know w-What t-t-to d-Do.

Mac: Bro she just killed herself!

STEVES: t-That h-Hoe d-Deserv-Ved i-It.

Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship

Horgus: So. Like. Why is The Council doing this?

Eroc: The Female Equality plan will eradicate all males from the universe, preventing all future wars, rapes, wage inequality, disease, death, and old age.

Horgus: What the fuck.

Eroc: I don’t know man these people are wack. They’re bribed all our officials and I’m just carrying out my job here.

Horgus: Why don’t you help us rebel?

Eroc: They have my family.

Horgus: Where are they?

Eroc: Th-they have my family!

Horgus: You look a little pale man.

Eroc: Haaa, haaaaa~

Horgus: Are you okay?

Eroc: I-I don’t know.

Horgus: Wait, aren’t you an Orgers?

Eroc: Yeah…

Horgus: You reproduce asexually and live solitary lives, don’t you?

*Eroc faints*

*Horgus walks over to Eroc’s body*

Horgus: I knew it, brainwashing.

*Horgus pulls Eroc’s three eyelids open and plucks out a thin wire*

*A massive electronic tentacle slithers out, attached to the wire, Horgus stomps on it*

Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm

STEVES: Thank you for fixing my vocal transcodponderer.

Mac: No problem, bro. It definitely isn’t because it’s really annoying to t-Ty-pe l-Like t-This.

STEVES: Understandable.

Mac: So how do we get off this planet?

STEVES: Your ship?

Mac: It got blown up by Eroc’s ship.

STEVES: Is Eroc’s ship still here?

Mac: I think so.

STEVES: Is Eroc your friend?

Mac: What. no! He’s a bad guy!

STEVES: Hacking Eroc’s Ship…

Mac: Can you hack faster.

STEVES: Sure.

*Montage of STEVES beeping and booping, dramatically, with dramatic music in the background to show how dramatic it is*

Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship

Horgus: Why is the ship descending.

Eroc: I have no clue.

Horgus: I think we’re getting hacked.

Eroc: How can you tell.

Horgus: Well, the computer is glitching out and shit.

Eroc: But aren’t you supposed to be sneaky when you hack something. Opening a bunch of tabs remotely is really useless.

Horgus: What do we do?

Eroc: Get me another keyboard. I’m going to out-hack this hacker.

Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm

STEVES: Shiiiiit, they have another keyboard. This guy is typing commands back faster than I am!

Mac: What can we do?

STEVES: Do you have sunglasses?

Mac: Yeah.

STEVES: Put them on me, I don’t have any arms so just put them on right there.

Mac: Where.

STEVES: There.

Mac: Bro you’re just sitting there.

STEVES: PUT THE FUCKING GLASSES OVER MY FUCKING EYES.

Mac: Okay okay.

Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship

Eroc: Oh my god he’s hacking back!

Horgus: I’m on it.

*Horgus brings in two extra monitors*

Eroc: Alright, now we’re talking.

Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm

Mac: Alright, I’m going to start mumbling a bunch of advanced terms.

STEVES: Do it.

Mac: CPU, GPU, PNG, GIF, JIF, GJIF, JGIF—

Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship

*Smoke begins pouring out of the control panel*

Horgus: Shit shit shit!

Eroc: They got to the mainframe before I could activate the subjugate firewall using the CPU to overclock the GPUs cache. We’ve lost all control.

Planet Martha: Eye of The Storm

Mac: We did it!

STEVES: I’m… sorry… human…

*Smoke pours out of STEVES shell and all of his lights flicker out*

*A small tray pops out holding a crystal*

*Mac picks up the crystal, and he is suddenly engulfed in bright white light*

Above Planet Martha: Eroc’s Ship

Horgus: We’re being boarded!

Eroc: It was nice while it lasted man. Thanks for unbrainwashing me.

Horgus: No problem man. I’ll see you on the other side.

*Mac walks out of the boarding pod*

Mac: What the—

Horgus: Mac!

Eroc: What?

Horgus: Oh yeah, he’s Mac and my name’s actually Horgus.

Eroc: This entire time I’ve been living a lie?

Mac: What’s happening? Isn’t he the bad guy?

Eroc: You’ll pay for this!

*Eroc jumps into an escape pod and is shot out into space*

Horgus: Wait, do you have the Asset?

Mac: Got it right here.

*Mac shows him the crystal*

Horgus: Nice job!

Mac: Now we need to take this back to headquarters.

Horgus: Well, we do have this Dracvinian battleship…

Mac: Hell yeah!

30 minutes later (Dracvinian battleships are very fast)

Horgus: This crystal contains The Council’s next tactical move. Mac, put it in the reader.

Mac: Got it.

Crowd of Smart Leadery People: Oooohhhh. aaah.

Computer: Reading memory crystal…

Crowd of Smart Leadery People: Ooohhhhhh. aahhhhh.

Computer: Oops, it was a trap.

*Computer shuts off*

Horgus: What?

Mac: Oh no! All of our important information was on that!

Member of Crowd: Didn’t you take a backup?

Mac: …No.

*screen fades to black*

*The following text slowly scrolls into view*

Always backup your data

~The End~

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