I Tried to Make Video Games

Spring has officially started, and I feel sad.

Just before break started, someone had their birthday and I snuck off to the band room with my friend on the same day, effectively enraging them.

I sent them an intentionally crappy birthday piano video as a joke and they released it, causing a fucktard to say in the comments ‘I can do it better because I can play piano’. I’d be worried if you couldn’t do it better, you damned arse.

Anyways, I also decided to try making games.

I Fail to Follow Basic Instruction

My First Game

Here is a screenshot of my first game.

Asteroids Copy

The lives counter went down by one when you died, but you didn’t respawn. In addition, you could fire 60 bullets per second if you tapped fast enough and the asteroids also didn’t respawn.

I failed Cosmonauts’ tutorial to make this one. I didn’t know that failing a tutorial on such a massive scale was even possible.

My Second Game

At this point, I still don’t know how to compile my shit. I’m currently updating Visual Studio so maybe that’ll change, but here’s another screenshot.

It’s a simple platformer thing.

From far away it looks like a pixel silhouette of a ballsack.

I misfollowed Sean Spalding’s tutorial to make it.

Aaaaand

Game Maker stopped working. I’ve been trying to get it to compile for hours and I’m fucking done.

The Hunt for a New Game Engine

I shuffled through tons of game engines, trying to find one that wasn’t trying to sell me something or expecting me to know what a game engine is supposed to be.

RPG Maker

Seems pretty solid. I have no idea how to import my own stuff or how to access core elements, but this seems more like an advanced Mario Maker for RPGs rather than a game engine.

Pixel Game Maker

I fumbled around until I found the option to make it run in English.

It seems to be pretty solid, but I’m 100% lost so I quit. But now I’m hyped for Witch and 66 Mushrooms.

Unity

They changed their website and I don’t like it so I left.

Unreal Engine

The first time I dabbled in Unreal Engine was when they were talking about some shitty game named Fortnite being released soon.

Since UE4 runs Fortnite, I feel slightly biased against it, but after messing around in it, I concluded that my computer sucks so much that it can’t even handle 3D objects in the editor.

When I logged on, I found that I had three new friends, which was confusing because I never played any games with my account, but then I remembered that I lent my brother my account to play Fortnite.

So I did what any normal person would do.

They didn’t respond. So I took a leap of faith, trying to guess which one of my brother’s classmates I was targeting non-creepily.

Shit.

So I went on a name-guessing spree, trying to figure out who I was talking to.

The guy’s responses were taking a long time, so I guessed he was on console.

Obviously, [redacted] schoolers are dumb, so when I tried to figure out the kid’s name, I got a two-minute wait for a 7-character message. It should not take that long to type your name, even on a controller.

I was starting to run out of ideas. I needed to get this kid, fast.

Then I got blocked.

Afterward, I figured out that my brother’s friend lied to my brother about his friend code because my brother was the one that added him (or he mistyped it).

I doubt Blue Dino will ever return, but if you’re reading this you damn Dino, sorry but not sorry and screw you for wasting my time by playing a Fortnite game after every single message you sent, you wasted literally an hour of my precious break.

Final Verdict: I will not be making any more video games (it’s Dino’s fault.)